Embracing The Chaos

Chapter 1

I played with my phone. Being grounded is boring.

Being caught smoking by your mother was not a joyful experience. I grab my note and wrote something.

I stared at the last sentence I wrote, "I want to get out of here."

I actually imagined a lot since young. I imagined my own funeral. What if I got hit by a car and die? How will they react? Will they mourn, or will they think of me until they're old and gray?

I imagined a lot of scenarios but in the end, I'm still a bit afraid of death.

Two days have passed and I finally left my room. I'll just look around the garden. We're not rich but we have a two-storey house and a mini garden.

"Carl, tulungan mo nga ang kapatid mo sa assignment niya," I heard Mama's voice downstairs.

"Si Renren, Ma?"

"Sino pa ba?" Rinig ko ang iritasyon sa tono niya.

Okay. Pag-irap ko.

Pinagpatuloy ko ang pagbaba sa hagdan. Dito pa lang ay natatanaw ko na si mama at Kuya Carl. Kuya's busy teaching Renée at the dining table habang si Mama naman ay nagliligpit.

What a harmonious family. They look so lively.

"Ate. Nandito ka pala," Malambing na sabi ni Renée.

Ngumiti lang ako nang tipid at pinagpatuloy ang pagpunta sa garden.

Hindi gaanong malaki ang garden at hindi rin gaanong marami ang mga bulaklak dahil halos lahat ng nakatanim ay mga gulay.

Isa sa mga dahilan kaya maraming ipon si mama ay dahil sa kanyang mga pananim. Nakakatipid kami at hindi na kailangan mamalengke ng mga gulay. Medyo nakakaumay nga lang dahil paulit ulit na lang ang ulam.

I looked at the sky. Everything is so calm and peaceful. Parang ang sarap lumutang na lang at humiga magdamag.

"Ice," Tawag ni kuya.

I glance at him to show that I'm listening.

"Kakain na," Pagkasabi niyon ay tumalikod na siya sa 'kin.

Bumalik ako sa loob at naabutan sila na nasa hapagkainan kasama si Papa.

"Asriel," Ngumiti si Papa sa akin.

I forced a smile and greeted him.

"Maupo ka na at kakain na tayo," Sabi ni Papa.

"Kakabalik niyo lang po, pa?" Ren asked meekly.

Tumango siya, "Medyo busy ngayon sa istasyon dahil may malaking kaso na naman kaming hinaharap."

Umupo na ako at kumuha na agad ng kanin. Mahirap na at baka hindi na naman ako matirhan.

Nag-usap sila Mama at Papa tungkol doon sa kaso kaya kumain na lang ako nang tahimik. Ayaw ni Mama na nakikialam ako sa usapan ng mga matatanda.

"Ate. Nakasama nga pala ako sa top ten, top seven ako sa klase," Masayang pagkwento ni Renée habang nakangiti nang malapad.

Top seven?

"Talaga, anak?" Mukhang nakuha ni Renée ang atensyon nila Mama.

"Ang galing talaga ng baby ko!" Masayang sabi ni Mama.

"That's great," Tanging nasabi ko at tumungo. Pinagpatuloy ang pagkain habang masaya silang nagkekwentuhan.

"I'm so proud of you."

I stopped my movements. negative thoughts are starting to invade my system, I looked away and resumed eating.

I had to listen to their conversation blankly while forcing myself to chew my food.

"Tapos na po ako. Aakyat na ako," Tumayo na ako nang matapos at niligpit ang pinagkainan ko.

they continued chatting about Renren's achievement without looking at me. I sighed.

"Sige, magpahinga ka na," I only heard kuya's soft voice when I left the dining area.

I entered my room and leaned on the door.

Don't make me laugh. Dapat pala naging top seven na lang ako at hindi naging valedictorian. Mas nakakaproud kasi ang pagiging top seven.

My eyes heated as I fixated my gaze at the window. The weather's fine today, maybe I should go out for a bit.

I took a bath and prepared my outfit for today. A simple long-sleeved shirt and jeans will be fine.

I brought my wallet and phone with me while I make my way downstairs. I held my breath in tension, trying to stay silent as possible.

I'm glad we're not rich. There's no CCTV cameras and guards in our house. I easily climb to our wall while cheering internally for my successful escape plan.

Pumara ako ng taxi habang nakatingin sa bintana. Where should I go today? To the mall? Somehow, the sadness I felt earlier vanished as I looked at the passing trees.

My mother said she conceived me in the most painful period in her life. She and my father were about to get separated so she tried to distract her attention with alcohols and anti-depressants. I was the living thorn in their hearts and the reminder of their bumpy marriage. Unlike Renèe who was born three years later, when they finally reconciled and became inseparable.

Tumigil na ang taxi. Inabot ko ang bayad ko at bumaba na nang sasakyan.

I'm in the mood for coffee. I eyed the large mall and looked if there's a vending machine nearby. I smiled when I spot one near my location. My smile faded when I saw a couple being so freaking sweet in front of me.

My eyes narrowed, the guy looked like my suitor who's been courting me for months.

My eyes widened when I came to realization, especially when the girl kissed the guy on the cheek. I covered my mouth with my hand while staring at the couple in front of me.

Michelle turned around and I panicked as I immediately hid my face to the woman beside me. I can't believe this is happening.

I thought he really liked me.

Kevin looks so happy while flirting with my classmate. The disappointment I feel right now is indescribable. Why am I always unlucky?

They left the mall and I decided to follow them. I hopped a cab, "Manong, pakisundan po yung kotse sa harap."

"Hija, bawal—"

"Ito po," Pag-abot ko ng isang libong piso. Nakagat ko ang labi, isang buwan na ipon ko rin 'yan.

Nagliwanag ang mukha ng driver at nagmamadaling pinaandar na ang sasakyan. The whole ride seems like a hundred years long for me.

"Salamat po!" Pagkatapos ay patakbo kong sinundan si Kevin at Michelle na papasok sa motel.

An hour later, I found myself numbly listening to their moans and grunts. I sighed. What did I do to deserved all of this?

I feel like I've been played by him even If we're not official yet.

A bitter smile crept on my lips. What a shitty life. Sayang ang isang libo.