Let Me

02. I love you, goodbye

||CHEARINs POV||
~

Mom couldn't bare the sight of going into JYP to collect Keshi's things. So I decided I would go alone, I knew I was going to go no matter what, because he was my twin for crying out loud.  That and maybe it was also because deep down somewhere inside of me had hoped that this was all just a sick prank. One that he had been planning and that's why he was so distant, not because he was planning all of this. So that when I walked into that dorm he'd walk out of his closet to scare me and laugh at me for being so dumb.

So I built up all of the strength I could hanging on tight to the thought that it was all just a joke, and I walked into the dorm building. Left and right I felt pitiful stares piercing through my body. Maybe they were staring because I walked funny, or maybe they don't see many girls here at the boys dorms. Not that my brother had just taken his life a few days ago.

I walked up to the very familiar door that I had visited many times during the holidays that he couldn't come home for. Then I put my fist up to the door, took a deep breath and attempted to knock. But my fist wouldn't even touch the door, I pulled it back hesitantly, knowing that there was a very high chance that this wasn't a joke, no prank and he wasn't going to pop up anytime soon. If I just ignored it and walked away there was still hope that he was alive, yet if I do walk away I won't ever know. Maybe that is for the best.

Nonetheless my mother still needed to know, I had to go through with this. With long shaky breaths I  knocked on the door with my now shaking hand. His group mate Jun opened the door for me ; their leader whom would update me about Keshi every here and then when he got concerned. But this time there was nothing, it was without warning, he kept that stupid fake smile of his till the day he died.

Jun looked at me with worry and pity in his eyes, with tears pooling in them. Just by seeing him you can tell he is just as hurt as me. So I decided to greet him softly, with my hoarse voice from crying all this time, and excused myself to his room he shared with Jun.

I weakly turned the handle of the room and walked in. I looked around, up and down wishing and wishing that he was there and the body they showed us was nothing more than a doll. I frantically rummaged through his closet for him. Feeling hopeless I pulled out his favorite jacket, one he wore to his audition to JYP, one that I had customized and gifted to him. In the inside pocket of it was an envelope, in his pretty handwriting, was my name. This is when I could fully realize that this wasn't a game.

I couldn't take it, I fell to my knees and just felt hopeless, I should have reached out more, talked to him more. I'm such a bad sister, I couldn't even protect him. So I open the letter with my pale fingers.

"Hi, I know you don't want to hear this from me, but don't cry. Be happy, for me. I'm okay now, I'm sorry. Sorry I wasn't strong enough. Sorry I can't be there for you right now. I'll tell dad you said 'Hi'. I love you, goodbye.

P.S. I have more for you in my studio"

||NO ONEs POV||

~

Quickly she falls to her knees realizing everything, Chaerin had been holding it all in all this time.  She didn't want to believe that this was happening. So she held on tight to her tears not letting any out.

Remembering what the letter said Chaerin ran out the room to leave for the company. At this point she realized that she couldn't go any further, so she was going to stay in his studio for a bit, just anywhere, that wasn't here.