Flatline

what you're begging for

I need to be alone. Not just now, forever. I want you both gone.

Zac had never found himself at such a loss for words before. Why did Taylor hate him? He had only tried to be a good friend, but maybe it was time to give Taylor space.

Taylor never realised how important the band truly was to him and his mental health. It was the one thing that got him out of bed in the mornings for a long time, and now, he imagined they had already cancelled the show, and it was too late. The disappointment of everyone involved lingered in his mind — the fans, the other bands that were playing, the rest of the band...it wasn't fair on any of them. He wanted to play this show. He wanted to play it so badly, but he could do nothing but lay in bed and cry.

Hayley, on the other hand, was doing everything she could to suppress the pain her heart felt. If Taylor didn't care about their break up, then neither did she. She was going to continue making music and be happy without him. She went out every single day, going to cafes or concerts, it didn't matter, as long as her mind was away from home and away from Taylor.

This lead to a pain deeper than before to be felt by the man she loved, (or used to, as she kept telling herself). Taylor saw Hayley posting about all these fun things she was doing, and his deceitful mind managed to convince him that it was because she didn't care. If she cared that he was in pain then she wouldn't have accepted their break up so easily. She would've spoke to him before cancelling the show, she would've done anything but got on with her life. This wasn't a rational thought, though. She shouldn't have had to put her life on hold for him, and come to think of it, that was the whole point. He did this to stop her feeling his pain.

Maybe not such a smart decision, but it was too late. She would never take him back now. Now he just had to live with his mistake.

Zac didn't go over that friday, he still felt hurt by what Taylor said, and had decided to give him some space. This may have been a mistake though. Taylor didn't realise the extent of what he said. As usual, he can't seem to do anything right.

Taylor was circling through three places in his house, soon to become two. After stopping in the mirror in the early hours of the next Thursday, he decided to ponder why he felt son uncomfortable in his own skin. He had become unrecognisable to the two people that were once so dear to him. He rethought his own words.

I want you both gone.

The immediate shock and pain in both of their faces...he caused that, he caused their pain, so he needs to feel that pain too. To understand the extent of what he said, he could punish himself. He could deprive himself of something so necessary he could die from his actions.

He needed to feel this pain. A physical pain, instead of the cycle of emptiness and mental pain, each leading into each other like this is how it was always meant to be. Maybe it was just an excuse to bring him closer to the end, but either way, he would be feeling all the pain he caused to the fans that wanted to see Paramore at that show, the pain of forcing Hayley to let him go, the pain of pushing Zac, the only person who seemed to care, away from him in a most cruel way. So much pain that he caused, all of this combined could bring someone to the brink of death. So that's what he was going to make himself feel. He was going to force himself to feel pain like he had never experienced in his life, through his trauma, through near break ups of Paramore, this pain he deserved.

He just couldn't figure out if he could care enough to stop him tripping over the edge, plummeting into the blissful peace that death would bring him.