State Of Grace || °HSMTMTS°

Chapter 4

EJ

I hate to admit this, but I woke up expecting Ricky to be next to me. Sad, I know. I didn't even realize how lonely living alone felt. Guess you don't know that you're missing something you never had.

Sure, I had friends or at least people I hung out with, but I wasn't really big on inviting people over at my place. I looked around the only room in my apartment as a painful way to remind myself why exactly I never invited people over. My life was kind of complicated. Not that anybody knew that.

Another thing I hated to admit, my morning felt empty without Ricky there. Sure, we never really had a real conversation in the two days that he was here, but just his presence made me feel less alone.

And since I'm already admitting all the things I don't want to admit, I should probably note that my heart started racing last night when Ricky texted me. And I was sad when he said he wouldn't be coming around.

Turns out, there are quite a few things I don't want to admit.

I tried to clear my mind. Ricky and I weren't friends. We'll never be friends. I helped him when he needed help cause I've happened to pass by. Well, I happened to pass by the first time. Anyways, that was over now, and we'll never talk about it. He'll fix his issues and that's it. We're not friends. He doesn't want to be friends.

I looked at the picture of him that I took. Then I realized I was staring at it. Damn, I'll ruin his life I quickly thought, putting the phone away. Yeah, that's exactly what I do.

Walking to my car I took in a deep breath. It was raining last night. The air after the storm always made me feel better. I guess the world just felt easier like this, clearer. And this time it almost made me stop reminiscing. Almost. The weird thing was, I wasn't even sure what I was reminiscing about. Did I even have anything worth missing and wanting back?

The school day went by in misery. I kept thinking about rehearsal today. About how to fix things with Nini. Or if Ricky and I would ever have a somewhat of a normal encounter. I was starting to believe it wouldn't be the end of the world if we didn't hate each other.

Another thing I hated to admit - Ricky was actually funny. And he could sing. Plus, he's much better at songwriting than I am.

And so my mind kept drifting off to all of that. I tried to figure out how to talk to Nini, I tried not to think too much about Ricky, I had to restrain myself a few times from looking at his photo. And from adding him on social media. No one was supposed to know we were alone in the same room without trying to kill each other.

Then I thought of texting Ricky. He did text me first last night, and he said it was just so I could save his number. I instantly regretted that realization. Great, now I had another question I couldn't answer.

When the rehearsal finally rolled around I thought I might get some peace. I was determined to talk to Nini. And I was kind of hoping Ricky would find a way to get me alone so we could talk. Or at least say hi.

After all, it was too much to think that he'd ask to stay at my place again tonight. And I wasn't about to get my hopes up just to get disappointed in the end.

"Okay kids", Miss Jenn walked into the classroom waving jer hands up in the air like a crazy person she was, "everyone, sit down, we'll rehearse the songs a bit later, but right now I want to get through the Troye and Gabriela kiss scene, so I'll need Nini and Ricky over here...".

"What", Nini jumped up from her place, "Miss Jenn, I thought we already gave up on the kiss scene!".

"Well, Nini, our production needs to spice things up a bit...", Miss Jenn started explaining her messed up train of thought.