State Of Grace || °HSMTMTS°

Chapter 7

Ricky

I was starting to think that EJ was not that bad after all. Yeah, sure, he's used to getting what he wants, and that habit of his can get out of the hand sometimes. But we all have flaws. Nini can be indecisive but it doesn't make her a bad person. I suck at displaying emotion, but that doesn't make me a horrible human being. The only thing separating EJ from anyone else is that we perceive him as this stuck-up overly-ambitious guy, which prevents us from seeing any of his good sides. 

And he's got good sides. He can be really supportive and compassionate. Plus, he's a really good cook, also, he gives the best hugs. When it comes down to it, EJ is a good person, and I feel bad that I'm just starting to see that now. 

Staying at his place turned out to be a lot better experience than I expected. We had some fun playing board games and I showed him some skating videos on youtube, talking openly to each other was still uncharted territory, but we were getting there slowly. 

Things were weird, but we left it unspoken. After that first night, when I woke up and realized EJ was holding me, I didn't try to get away, instead, I wrapped my arms tighter around him and dug my head into his chest a bit harder. We hugged a lot. It actually helped to have him around. He'd drive us to school, I'd try to get through the day without crying, we'd go back to his apartment, and I'd just lay in his arms and cry. Sometimes only for minutes, sometimes it took me hours to calm down. 

Sadness came in waves, and I'd lie if I said that EJ wasn't my anchor. Was it because I was so desperate for anyone that I'd settle even for him, or I simply found his presence comforting, I didn't really know. Frankly, I didn't even care. Would it really be the end of the world if I trusted EJ? That's one question I hoped to get an answer for once I'm feeling like myself again.

But for now, the sadness was unexplainable. I wasn't sure I had reason to be sad. At one point, I thought I was being selfish again.

I actually said that to EJ.

He said that it's not wrong for me to be sad about this, that I should just let myself feel whatever I needed to feel.

It didn't magically solve my problems, I didn't stop doubting my emotions, but at least it helped ease my mind when things would get too tough.

When I started telling myself that I was acting like a brat, that my pain was unjustified, it was EJs voice in my head that made the world seem a little bit easier. It was EJ I could hold on to at night when my emotions tried to push me over the edge.

A few days ago, I wouldn't believe my own words, but right now I didn't care that it sounded insane, and I wasn't scared to admit it. EJ was there for me.

"You staying over the weekend?", EJ said to me in the car, right before the school was about to start. It was Friday morning, and we were waiting on the parking lot for the coast to be clear. 

My mind was a mess and I was still so spacey, it took me a while to register the world around. But once that his words did get to my head I replied: "Yeah. If that's not a problem". 

"No, no", he waved his head almost manically. He turned to me. His eyes were piercingly green, and I could sense that he was holding back from saying something. But eventually, he did: "To be completely honest, I like having you around". His face turned red, and I couldn't help but smile. "I mean, I...I don't mind you", he stuttered, "that is, I - you're not as bad as I thought you were. Not that I ever thought you were bad. I just wanted to say...".

"EJ", I cut him off. He bit his lip as he stared at me. "Calm down", I smiled, "I kind of like having you around too. Kind of". I saw the tension leave his body. And you were the only person that I could hold on to for these past few days, I thought to myself, and the only person who can make me smile right now. I never said any of that out loud.