𝐁𝐄𝐘𝐎𝐍𝐃 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐂𝐀𝐌𝐄𝐑𝐀. | park jinyoung ff

thirteen - exhausting.

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˚ ₍🗒₎┊..⃗. this chapter & the next is mentally intense so pls brace yourselves! ⌇🥛🖇 ily & enjoy ♥︎ᵎ

i brought jinyoung out of the hotel room for a while.

"what's wrong?"

"have you seen the amount of twitter posts, tags and captions of fans guessing who i am to you?" i asked, distressed. i couldn't keep still. "not to mention the v-live comments just now," i bit my lip, sweat droplets forming on the top of my forehead.

"(y/n).. i told you, it'll be fine. they want what's best for me. i trust them, don't you?" he sighed, leaning on the wall.

"i do, they're a great fandom. but what about jia? what about my job here in the company? what if i lose it?!"

i asked, as my heart raced.

"jia hates seeing me with you, don't you remember what happened to me in the dance studio?" i said, slightly agitated.

"she talked to me about the comments about you & i in the live just now. i'm terrified, jinyoung! i'm extremely terrified!"

"do you even understand where my perspective is?! keeping calm isn't the answer to everything in the world!"

what?! why did i make that sound so rude and
ungrateful?

jinyoung was taken aback. he stared at me blankly. "we can do this together, i know we can." he said, taking my hand in his.

"what if i lose my job here?!" i asked once again, pulling my hand away from his.

i couldn't continue living like this, as each day passed, i felt like i'm being watched from all corners and i felt uneasy. it made me so unsafe, i didn't want to have to keep looking for jinyoung either. he had his own schedules to attend to.

i wanted to love someone in peace.

i wanted the cameras to disappear.

i had always liked jinyoung, as a crush.. but i never actually thought of what it'd be like to date him. i never knew it'd be this.. this...

stressful.

i imagined happiness, freedom.

"do you think i'm not trying?!" jinyoung retorted.

the silence after he raised his voice was torture to my ears. it was deafening- almost.

"(y/n), answer me."

"do you think i don't care about us?!" he asked, his eyes staring right into my soul.

"i care about this as much as you do!" he yelled. i could see the nerves in his neck popping out as he yelled at the top of his lungs.

i clenched my fists.

"t-then act like it!" i returned. my lips quivering, i was trying so hard not to cry in front of him.

"y-you always tell me that everything will be okay-yet you don't know how hard i try every. single. day to believe that! because right now, nothing, and i mean NOTHING seems like it's going to be so called, okay!"

i shouted, not caring who would hear us at this point.

he took a sharp breath.

i need to calm down.

i was too late.

"h-how can i love someone who is constantly being loved and looked up to by millions of people around the world?!"

i cried.

"it's exhausting, jinyoung! it drains the crap out of m-"

"i'm tired too (y/n). I'M EXHAUSTED TOO!"

he snapped.

"i've tried so hard not to let you go, not to make you feel pressured and it feels like you BARELY even see it!"

somehow, his voice got even louder than earlier.

i had never seen him like this. even if he was mad at his members, this expression and aura was undeniably different.

he was definitely hurt, furious and upset.

without thinking, four painful words came out of my mouth.

"i can't do this."

i tried to swallow those words, but it just rolled off of my tongue. i couldn't think at that moment.

my mind was blank. the feeling that i had was just anger.

everything around me had stopped, but jinyoung. my heart was beating so fast, even faster as to when i experienced that panic attack.

i took a deep breath sharply, trying to process what i had just said.

my mouth was agape.

did i just say that?!

did i really just say that out loud for jinyoung to hear? did that really come out of my mouth?!

what's wrong with me?

why am i acting this way...!

"(y/n) a-are you seriously doing this on bambam's birthday?" he asked, eyes filled with fear. his lips, too, were quivering.

"i don't wish to live another day of this life feeling like this." i muttered, fists clenched.

"(y/n), don't do this to me, please." jinyoung sobbed.

"we just started.

"(y/n) plea-"

"and i want to end it before i continue to feel like absolute crap and lose myself." i interrupted. i turned to the side to try and hide my tears.

"you told me that you wouldn't give up on us..!"

jinyoung's voice broke, trying hard to swallow his tears.

"you told me you were willing to fight with me for us!!!" jinyoung explained, still refusing to believe that this was all unfolding in front of our eyes.

"i'm not anymore!!!!" i yelled as a response.

"i'm tired of this crap...!"

i roared.

my throat was quivering, i was trying to swallow my tears so extremely hard.

i was putting in all my effort in trying not to break down in front of him.

it was painful, so extremely painful. my heart was sore as i said those words.. but i couldn't handle anymore of feeling watched and uneasy.

my heart felt heavy.

"t-then let's end it."