Waiting for the Sun

5. Truth Time

This naked room always gave me a strange feeling. The walls were bone white, like everything else in this place, and there were no pictures or decorations in sight. Everything in the box from the freakishly well-organised desk to the five chairs looked brand new even though I knew that most of it had been replaced a year and a half ago.
I didn't have to look up to know that my mom was biting her upper lip while obsessively stroking her ponytail and that dad was gazing into the empty space in front of him, sitting there with a face which was way too calm. If I could look down on myself I'd probably see the same look on my face. That look which to the outside viewer couldn't be more detached. There was a small window in the right hand corner of the room, letting in just the right amount of light. Two trees were slowly swaying in the wind and if I listened hard enough, I swore I could hear the leaves and distant bird song. Who was I kidding, the only sound was the rustling of papers being turned over, the usual soundtrack of these visits, and it was always followed by the cheesiest line ever.

"So how's it going?"

Sluggishly I raised my gaze from my muddy blue trainers.

"You're the one who knows how it's going so stop the small talk and tell us something useful." I took a deep breath and continued with a surprisingly steady voice. "Will he die?"

Mom gasped for breath and straightened up her back like she was preparing for a hard blow.

"No small talk then. The tumour is not responding to the treatment."

My stomach was suddenly filled with ice water that swayed back and forth and I was afraid I would barf all over the doctor's perfect desk. Gurgling sounds turned into loud sobbing and mom grabbed a hold of dad's hand like it was her only lifeline while his face remained unchanged. I cleared the lump out of my throat before I spoke again.

"But he can just go on with the radiotherapy and he'll get some time right?"

Doctor Greenwood folded his hand together and leaned over the desk so his glasses fell to the front of his nose. That was one big nose.

"I'm afraid that won't help. Even if we continued with an aggressive treatment it would at most buy him a few extra weeks."

A few weeks? My heart was raising and it felt like an elephant was jumping on my chest. Mom's crying was staring to become unbearable and I couldn't hear myself think anymore.

"What about chemotherapy? Can't you operate again or..."

My head was pounding and I had run out of ideas.

"You should spend as much time together as you can and we'll make it as comfortable as possible for him here."

"He can't even come home?"

The doctor shook his head and for the first time I thought I saw a glimpse of compassion in his eyes.

"I'm sorry. I can't go against the patient's wishes."

While my mind continued to spin I closed my eyes for a moment, trying to visualise something to calm me down like they had taught me in that ridiculous support group. Oh screw it.

"Honey?"

Dad's pleading voice couldn't make me spend another second in that room without starting ripping my hair out. When I was out in the hall I felt slightly less claustrophobic and without thinking about it my feet automatically took me to room 306. The skinny man in the hospital bed kept his eyes closed but I knew it was an act.

"You knew didn't you? You knew everything and you let me go on and on about my ridiculous shit. Seriously?!"

Before he opened his eyes a playful smile that I knew like my own appeared on his face.

"Don't scream Mandy you might pop a vessel or something."

"Just be serious for two seconds will you. Did you know?"

My voice cracked even though I put all my energy into not losing it. My brother's smirk faded away and he sighed heavily while scratching his head, a habit he had developed since his scalp turned bald.

"Why didn't you tell us? Why didn't you tell me?"

Despite all my best efforts tears started to form but before they fell I turned my back on the bed and the lying shithole in it.

"Truth?" It took a while before he spoke again and when he did I nearly didn't recognise his voice. "I didn't know what to say okay. I knew mom would be a wreck and you're always so positive. I didn't want to take that away from you."

I turned back around and found Adam staring up at the roof.

"Take what away from me?"

"Your childhood."

"That ended when you were diagnosed."

A wave of emotions came crashing down on me when I saw Adam's face twist in pain and his tears flooding down his face. He who always spit out jokes, never stopped smiling or ask how my day was and treated his brain tumour like it was a long-term cold couldn't stop crying. He was breaking down before my eyes and I didn't know what to do.

"I'm sorry Mandy I'm so sorry", he kept repeating over and over again.

He started banging his hands against his forehead but I took them both in mine.

"Stop that. I love you, you twat."

His body started to shake and when I took him in my arms I understood how fragile he'd actually become.

------------------

"I didn't think we were talking."

Joe didn't sound angry but not too keen on talking to me either and his voice had a strange ring to it.

"Tell me something."

"What?"

"Something. Anything."

"Just finished wanking."

I wasn't sure if he was kidding or not, which I never were, but I quickly realised that the news weren't distracting at all.

"So what happened with Kit? If you didn't dump her then what?"

There was a silence and for a second I thought he'd hung up on me.

"She said I liked someone else and she didn't wanna come second."

Not even this preoccupied me enough but at least it awoke my curiosity.

"Who's the lucky girl? It is a girl right?"

The familiar chuckle on the other end sent a ray of light into my pitch black brain but only for that micro-second.

"What's up?"

Joe was the kind of friend who always knew what to do. Never once when I needed him had he not been there with a tight hug, comforting words that always made me feel a tiny bit better or just cracking a lame joke I couldn't help but laugh at.

"Adam's dying."

My eyes closed and all I could do was wait. There was a slight pause.

"Don't worry, he's been dying for two years. Didn't the doctors say six months tops in the beginning and he's still kicking."

In a chilly deserted hospital staircase I didn't have to think about holding back the tears anymore but now my eyes were drier than the Sahara.

"The tumour is back. The doctors have given up. Adam's given up."

All I could hear were his even breaths on the other end of the line. He swallowed twice but didn't speak.

"I won't... I can't do it. I won't."

While the elephant on my chest returned, my pulse was raising and I dropped my phone with a small thud. Something grew from the bottom pit of my stomach and it all came out in a scream that made my ears ring with its echo. When my lungs desperately craved air the scream died out and I was left panting on the cold stairs with nothing but Joe's voice in my phone screaming my name.