Waiting for the Sun

9. Keeping It Casual

He was there the next day in biology, giving me those looks that made me want to scream fuck off to his face. I’d told him to leave me alone but every time I turned a corner or went to a class there he and his piercing eyes were.
     He sat two rows in front of me, obsessively fiddling with his pencil and his gaze didn’t leave me for many seconds during the 90 minute lecture. Not that I gave a shit about what came out of Mr Clark’s funny looking mouth but instead of focusing on Joe’s stare that made my stomach turn I became a temporary expert on the human circulation system. I focused on the pulmonary, systemic and coronary circulation, the fact that blood usually accounts for seven per cent of a person’s total body weight and a whole lot of other unnecessary facts that I would never need or use as an English major.
     When the bell finally rang I tried to scoop up my things and be out the door before he would have time to come over but I knew I wouldn’t be so lucky.

     “Speed up a bit and you’ll definitely get a heart attack. Lucky you I know CPR.”

     Joe didn’t know much about biology since he was some kind of a history buff slash struggling rock star. I didn’t look up when I answered him in a sharp voice.

     “What did I say about talking?”

     “So now I can’t talk near you? What’s next a restraining order?”

     Why did he try to be cute when he knew I hated it? I just wanted to disappear and not feel like I was slowly dying with every word coming from his mouth. With quick small steps I hoped that I would disappear fast in the crowds of people moving in the halls. That was before I felt someone grabbing my arm. As I turned around I was prepared to snap at Joe but it wasn’t him.

     “Hi”, Jordan said in a small voice with his eyes on the floor.

     He looked noticeable uncomfortable but I didn’t feel a thing even though he was still holding my arm. Just a day ago this tiny move would have sent my libido into overdrive but now zip, nada. I couldn’t even remember how I’d felt before last night. Strange. Maybe it was the hangover?

     “I’m late”, I lied to his face and started to move away but he dug his fingers into my lower arm which sent a brief jolt of pain through my body. “Don’t fucking touch me!”

     I tried to pull my arm from his tight grasp but instead of breaking free Jordan got a hold of my other arm too and that way forced me to face him.

     “I wanna talk.”

     “Let go before I slam your head against the wall.”

     My voice was calm and steady but I could see the change in his eyes from pleading and demanding to upset and I could even see a flash of fear on his blemished face. It took a few seconds but then his hands let go of my arms like he’d touched a living flame. He didn’t leave, instead he kept staring at me and I glared back. Joe had been right about one thing, he really was a freak. Speaking of the devil, from nowhere Joe had showed up beside me and he was wearing his concerned look like usual.

     “Come on Mandy I just wanna know you’re alright.”

     Now they were both staring at me, not even acknowledging each other, and demanding answers I couldn’t give.

     “Just fuck off. Fuck off the both of you!”

     I took my refuge in the girl’s loo since I knew this was basically the only place they couldn’t follow me. As my face looked back at me from the mirror above the sink, I realised how tired I was once more. Tired of ridiculous sixth form drama, tired of annoying boys and most of all, tired of my life.
     In an effort to try and bring me out of my funk, I did my best to relish in the fact that I finally had sex. I was officially deflowered (a word I hated but there really wasn’t a good equivalent) and it was supposed to be this huge thing. At least that was what I was trying to tell myself. Something that had felt so big at the time now appeared to be something I’d experienced years ago in a haze. Was this just the effect of the weed or was it something else?
     Before I had the chance to be alone with my thoughts any longer Tracy came into the bathroom with a bag of gigantic proportion probably of an expensive brand that I’d never heard off.

     “So you’re hiding? I saw your little episode of Jersey Shore in the hall.”

     I just shrugged and let out a heavy sigh. Tracy stood next to me and looked around in her bag before she found her hot pink lip gloss. Ick. 

     “I thought you liked the nerd.”

     I’d thought I liked him too. Correction yesterday I’d thought I was in love with him and now I couldn’t even see his face without feeling annoyed somehow. Like he’d become irrelevant.

     I looked at Tracy smacking her pink lips together and then studying her face to find anything that looked less than perfect.

     “I thought I did but…” I hesitated only for a second before I continued. “I just feel like he has these expectations after yesterday and all I want to do is forget him.”

     “So he’s a bad fuck?”

     I guess Tracy wasn’t one for sugar-coating things.

     “It wasn’t bad but I don’t know.. Afterwards I just wanted him to fuck off.”

     Tracy looked at me with a smirk and with a new kind of respect.

     “You’re such a slag! And I mean that in the best way. Before I got with Sam I screwed a new guy every weekend. I’ve probably fucked half the school and all the college boys in the area by now.”

     She talked about it so casually and I couldn’t help but feel envious. Tracy never seemed to have a care in the world and no wonder when she’d gotten so much dick. 

     “So how do you do it?” I asked.

     “What, fuck? The nerd didn’t teach you nothing?”

     “I mean how do you keep it casual?”

     When she moved the gaze from the mirror to me I saw that the look appeared to radiate pity.

     “You don’t know much about boys do you?”

     I shrugged again.

     “It was my first time.”

     She didn’t look at me with pity anymore but she didn’t seem surprised either.

     “Your nerd is the exception. 99.9 out of a hundred guys will ignore you after you fuck them. The ‘hunt’ is over you know and they just don’t care about anything else than that and getting laid.”

     I don’t know why but the skinny guy’s lips from yesterday’s party popped into my head.

     “Sounds good to me”, I said with a sly smile.

     Tracy’s laugh bounced off the walls in the narrow bathroom. She took one last look in the mirror and corrected a string of hair before she hooked her left arm in mine.

     “Let’s go to the shopping centre. I need shoes and you definitely need a huge mocha.”

     I'd never skipped out early and it wasn’t even lunch yet. Beside I hated the centre. It was as plastic as the people there. Then I looked at Tracy and her pink lips and realised she was one of them. She also made me laugh and forget about my depressing existent for a while and the thought of running into either Jordan or Joe again nearly made me gag. What were a few skipped classes on an unblemished record?