Waiting for the Sun

12. Never Innocent

Before I opened the door I knew something was wrong. The kitchen light wasn’t on at 3am. It was always on.

     “Come here Amanda.”

     Fuck me this night just kept getting better. They obviously heard my lame attempt to sneak in so there was no reason to run away now. Instead I quickly walked into the living room where they were both sitting with blank faces and their hands folded in their laps.

     “You guys are up late.”

     Without even looking at me, dad spoke in the same dead voice as before.

     “Sit.”

     If I hadn’t been so exhausted from the night and the walk home I probably would have said something mean and gone upstairs. Now I didn’t even have that primal energy to fight. They both looked at each other for a few seconds before mom sighed and turned to me.

     “We know you’re lying to us. Kit called tonight.”

     Both Kit and Joe had been my covers for the countless nights and weekends I’d been missing for the last two months. Most of the time they hadn’t even bothered to ask me where I was going, or maybe they didn’t notice my absence at all, but it was too easy to fool them with my lies of sleepovers. Tonight the robots had actually asked where I was heading and without even thinking I’d said: 

     “Kit for movie night.” 

     I guess that cover was blown.

     “I wasn’t with Kit. Can I go to bed?”

     Once again mom did that annoying sigh.

     “Why are you being like this? You were always such a good girl.”

     “We’re worried. You’re always angry. Is something wrong in school?”

     Even though dad probably meant well in his own twisted way he had to know that everything was wrong. I just shook my head and stared at them.

     “We don’t want to be here either trust me. Just get yourself together.”

     Dad looked like he wanted to cushion the blow of her words but he didn’t. Instead he sat there gaping like a stranded goldfish.

     “I have myself together. Can I go now?”

     “Start telling us where you are at night!” mom demanded.

     “Why now? Have you cared before? Did you even notice the bruise on my face?”

     Adam had always been their golden boy. He was the oldest, the smartest, the pre-med student at Harvard and the list went on and on. He was their favourite and they couldn’t even see it through to the end. So why were they now so awfully concerned about where I was spending my nights? All my rage was building up inside but to them I showed only a calm collected smile.

     “Don’t be difficult”, mom mumbled.

     Suddenly I didn’t know why I was covering for myself anymore. What good was it doing and why did it matter if my parents knew about my life?

     “I was at a party with these posh kids. We drank, took drugs, I got fingered by a guy who’s name I don’t know and I fucked my best friend’s boyfriend. Can I go to bed now?”

     They were both staring at me with equally blank faces before mom finally found her words again.

     “It’s not healthy coming up with stories like that. We’ll talk tomorrow.”