Sanity

HEAL

WARNING!: This chapter may be sensitive to anybody that can't handle self harming ,i advise you guys to skip this part if you are not able to take self harming ,I am so sorry for but i felt like you guys really needed to know how it was going in details, I'm pretty sure that what i wrote for this chapter is not really detailed but it might trigger anybody that could imagine what it must be like to turn to something like this and i hope you guys could find another option that could help you in a healthy manner. Hope you guys like this chapter and I am so sorry for any triggers caused. 

Thank you    

 xoxo: Ella 

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School was going great ,it was never like this but i was glad of the change. Jerry was no longer in my class anymore ,he was transferred hence no more constant remarks coming from him anymore. Though it wasn't so great at home, I loved life at school. Elsa and me would hang out every time after school and during break time. 

The only downfall in all this was that the group was separated. one day the truth came up ,the truth about me and Zac ,it came as a shock to them but it stopped the questions but made them thought of Zac the wrong way. I have tried talking to them but to no avail. They still looked at Zac the wrong way. Every time Zac joins them for lunch they got up from their sits and moved to another table and Zac was left all alone. i felt really bad ,he was a good person ,just confused but the group did not see it that way. All of us moved on with other people and so did Zac eventually. He joined handball and played after school everyday ,it became his hobby. All of us became strangers on the hallways of the school ,we will just give a smile and a nod to one another if we came across each others paths.  It was as if none of us knew each other ,strangers. i hope we could be together again one day. i miss all the talks and jokes we shared but for now what was left was me and Elsa , we still sat at the same table during lunch and we will hung out at the same spot after school. 

Then two became one, Elsa stopped coming ,I was yet again alone in the school, i wondered where she was and who she hung out with. One day i was heading home after school since there was nobody to hang out with anymore. I saw Elsa and there she was with the group of girls that warned her about me, why was she hanging  out with them when clearly she did not like them when  she found out how i really was. i proceeded to walking back home and she saw me and what happened next broke my heart she looked at me and gave a look that i remembered very vividly,it was the same look everyone in the school gave me,it was a look of disgust. I shook my head no thinking i was imagining that look but she still had that expression when i looked at her again. 

But why? we were doing fine for quite a while. What happened that made her look at me that way. did the rumors get to her and somehow made her believe it,i was confused but more upset .i lost the only friend i ever had. Walking back home was tough,my mind was swamped with thoughts and i could not think straight,it was a mess. A mess that i had no idea how to fix,i never knew what was the core of the issues i've been having. everything always twists and turn when it comes to me,good things seemed to not be for me anymore. It never was. I was so lost in my thoughts, i did not realize i was walking on the road with cars passing by. the minute i looked up from my feet,a car came by. I had plenty of time to move but something in me did not want to. something in me wanted it all to end. it had to stop and nothing else came in my mind other than the end of my life. i had nobody, not anymore. 

at the very last minute the car swift to the right and horned multiples times signalling me to get off the road and thinking that it might get drivers in trouble, i did. But the thought of not living anymore did not go away. it was at the back of my head and i somehow had to make it stay there. i did not want to be gone forever so soon although i knew a lot of people wished i did. i reached home in a minute or two and went straight to the room,my aunt called out to me but i did not listen. i was odd to this feeling,It felt like my soul left my body but i was still alive with the body im living in.I felt empty, i felt numb. That night i laid awake in bed for hours thinking through everything.  crying but trying to stay silent so no one would listen to the pain i was feeling.