Don't Forget Me

25

Dear Bucky,

I'm not sure if you'll ever get to read this. Hell, I don't even know where in the world you are right now. I hope you're doing alright. I feel like an apology is in order, I'm sorry that I couldn't get you out of there. I'm sorry that I found out too late. I should've kept looking. I'm sorry you were a pawn in a larger game, a game that I played. I'm not sure you want my apologies, what good do they do. I wish that I could turn back time.

I'm writing this to you, because Bucky, tomorrow I'm getting married. And no, I'm not terrified. I'm not nervous. I'm more than confident in him and my choice to marry him. I am just missing you, I'm missing my mother, and I'm missing my grandmother. And it's an old ache that never seems to go away.

I'm getting married tomorrow. And I know what you're thinking: shouldn't you be out having the time of your life before the big day! The girls are asleep. It's four in the morning and finally Natasha fell asleep, she was the last one up with me. I'm sure the guys are out somewhere asleep too. I wish you were there with them.

Bucky, I'm getting married tomorrow and I wish you were here. When I was younger I imagined you and Steve sitting there in the front row. And when I was much younger, I imagined my mother and my grandmother with me. My grandfather would have given me away. My mother would have cried and asked if I was sure. Marriage was never something she got to experience. I'd wear something old, something new, and something blue like the old saying. I'd probably wear her blue earrings that time has lost. And I imagined you sitting there with a smile on your face. But now as I picture myself walking down that isle, and visualize who's standing there waiting for me, I wish you were standing next to him. He misses you. He's not the same without you. We miss you Bucky. We tried to find you. It's been months since I last saw you, and I know you need time. But we miss you, and perhaps you aren't the same man you once were, neither of us are. But it doesn't matter, we'd still make fun of you all the same.

Bucky, I love him so much. I do. I have loved him for so long, it's become a part of me. It has been something that has outlasted wars, famines, heartbreaks, fights and life itself.

Bucky, the last time we talked, well, the last time I heard from the old you, you told me you loved me. But I think you knew I loved him, and I think you knew he loved me back. I'm sorry that I never loved you that way, but I belong with him. I do. He has made me believe in things as silly as soul mates and fate.

You once told me never settle for anyone less than someone who would walk the ends of the Earth for me. I know I found him. He would never hurt me, and he would never leave me. And when I'm at my lowest, he picks me up and helps me continue on.

I'm so sorry that life has cheated you. And I'm sorry that you can't be here as the best man. I'm so sorry that our narrative is full of dark, and depressing turns. But I'm thinking of you. You asked me to remember you on that rocking chair, and I will. I always will. Of course I remember you. I wish you were here.

Bucky, tomorrow I'm getting married. And I'm so excited, I can't remember a time when I was excited for the future. I guess it's because now I have one. Don't forget me. Please. Hopefully, somewhere around the world you feel our love, and you remember us. I hope one day we'll finally see each other again. I owe you a drink.

All my love,
Anna Smith