LIE TO ME | WOOYU

XII

yuto wasn't one for habits but staring to smoke again was getting te best of him. it was a crutch against wooseok, but of course it would frequently get to the point of two am thoughts that would poison his mind. "what if he doesn't love you," he thought. he would smoke to light the pain away, even though those thoughts wouldn't exist in the morning when wooseok would kiss him on the forehead and cuddle him into bed. he felt nothing but regret from doing that, the satisfaction he used to have wasn't with him anymore. he would hide the packs in the cutlery drawer that they never used, and hoped that wooseok would never find it. it was an impulse of his to smoke in the middle of the night, but the chills of the cool night air against the small heat of the lighter gave an out of body experience, the one he would always feel before when he wanted to throw himself of the balcony.

he didn't want to die, he just liked feeling numb and letting himself go. ending up like that was something he could barely control, like another piece of him telling himself to set himself on fire like he deserved to die before, he was lying to wooseok but he hated him for doing the same. he couldn't handle all of that, but he hid it because he loved wooseok more than anything. they were together and happy and that was all that mattered, right?

"hey, yuto? have you seen the leeks? i can't find them, you didn't put them in the pantry again, right?" wooseok asked. he was opening cabinets randomly, even the ones the didn't go into. yuto was lying on the couch, just scrolling through his phone, pretty distracted by texting his friend hongseok.

"mmm, no." he replied. he heard the clutter and noise in the background but chose to ignore it, he was distracted and just happy to be in touch with his friends again. besides, wooseok probably wouldn't find anything. yeah, it was kind of weird that yuto kept leaving the house at ungodly hours and he couldn't find any receipts besides small ashes in the garbage can but wooseok needed to trust yuto, so he kept quiet. as he kept shuffling through items he came across a small package wrapped in newspaper.

"huh...?" he muttered. he peeled back the wrapping but came across packages of cigarettes, he counted at least five. "what the...yuto?" yuto sat up, looking towards him. "ohhhh shit."  he thought.

"you...smoke?" wooseok frowned. "i'm not sure if that's a good idea." yuto felt nervous to be seeing those cigarettes at an early time, they felt unfamiliar but too known in its own balanced way.

"uh, yeah. it's a bad habit, i started doing it again once you...left." wooseok looked dazed, a mix of disappointment and confusion. he put them away, trying to hide his emotions.

"i'm okay with you doing it, just be careful, okay? i don't want something bad to happen." yuto nodded. he felt terrible about it now, he didn't want to keep doing this anymore. it was a stupid temptation making him feel powerless and frail, but he didn't even want what the temptation was brought for in the first place.

when yuto got up that night, he didn't feel as longing when he pulled towards the cabinet. he felt empty, he was moving without purpose. he stood still, staring at the wooden cabinet, feeling sick and terrible. what was he doing? this was wrong for himself and he was worrying wooseok. he loved him so much, he didn't want single negative thought to come from him.

"yuto?" wooseok called from the bedroom. yuto turned around and stared at wooseok's tall shadow looking back at him with a small smile. "come back to bed." yuto didn't say anything, he just drifted back into wooseok's arms. he hugged him slowly, quiet. he needed that, warmth and pressure filling his body.

"i love you so much." he whispered. "thank you." wooseok laughed quietly, "what did i do?"

"everything."