Sanditon Season 2: Finding Their Way Back To Each Other

Chapter 11: A Little Rain Never Hurt Anyone

~~Charlotte~~

"Charlotte?" Alison called from the closed door she had already knocked on twice. I had completely broken down after the dinner and didn't wish to see anyone.

I thought back to what it was like when I saw him step out of the carriage. To have him standing before me was like a dream. I couldn't even breathe. Then to have him offer his hand to help me into the carriage. All I wanted to do was touch him, but I knew if I did, I wouldn't be able to hold it together. It was hard enough just standing in front of him to keep my composure. Then when he wrapped his coat around my shoulders, I thought I was going to burst into flames. I didn't need it. I was warm enough just being in his presence. But the coat smelled like him and I wanted to savor that smell even if for a moment. Why did he have to do this? Why was he here? Why couldn't he just stay in London and leave me in Sanditon?

When we got to Sanditon House, I knew I had to get away from him as quickly as possible before I lost it. Alison helped me get upstairs without breaking down. I insisted I was fine, even when she knew I wasn't. Georgiana wasn't fooled either. She cursed him for showing up and doing what he did; to play with my heart and make things far worse than they already were.

When Esther came up to help me get ready, she wondered why I looked so upset. I insisted I was only embarrassed by my appearance and felt like I had ruined the dinner. Esther insisted I had not and helped to get me ready so we could all go back down. She didn't know how my heart still belonged to Sidney and how seeing him now completely undid me.

I had a tight grasp of my emotions during the dinner. Of course, Lady Denham almost broke those chains when asking about children. How could it not? In that moment all I thought about was a happy home with lots of children with Sidney.

Then after dinner Sidney had to come talk to me when all I wanted was to be left alone. I wanted to distract myself with reading and forget he was in the same room with me. Forget the pull on my heart to run to him and give myself to him. He had to talk to me though. I knew deep down he was struggling with the same torment I was; to hold all the emotions at bay when at any moment it felt like they were going to spill out for the whole world to see. He needed to be with her now, not me. When he said he didn't have the slightest idea where she was, made me realize he didn't intend to be with her. They may be married, but it wasn't going to be a happy marriage. I wasn't sure why that made my heart break even more for him. He was trapped in a marriage he didn't want. At least I still had the ability to fall in love with someone else, even if the thought seemed impossible at the moment. But Sidney would never be free from her. He was a prisoner.

After he left with Mr. Crowe and Mr. Parker, I excused myself, saying I was tired from the long day and went to my room to release the emotion that had been tightly held at bay. Perhaps I was holding on to a small piece of hope that some miracle would happen, and he'd come back to me. That wasn't possible now. I had to get used to seeing him; being in his presence no matter how hard it was. I had to tighten the rope around my heart and except the way things were.

Somehow Alison had gotten into the room and crawled onto the bed with me. As much as I didn't want to see anyone, she was a welcome sight. She held me tightly and allowed me to cry until sleep finally found me.

By morning, I had hardened my heart to love and especially to Sidney. I now understood why he left for The West Indies. How I wished it was possible for me to board a ship and disappear into the unknown and start over. I understood why he was so cold to the world. I understood more about love and heartbreak than I ever wished to know. If I couldn't escape him, I had to immerse myself in work as he did while away. Perhaps in ten years, I can move on. Perhaps in ten years he will also move on and learn to be happy with his choice. More than anything I wanted him to be happy. If I never found love again, I wanted him to learn to love her. He loved her once, he can do it again.