exhale the stars | ✓

trapped in my own mind

the chill tickles my bare skin, goosebumps showing up on my shoulders after the wind pulled my cardigan back- my own punishment for being up this early, i suppose. i pull the maroon-colored cloth tighter, too thin to offer any actual comfort. the longer i stay out here, the more i begin to regret it.

but still, i don't go back in.

my thoughts will not leave me alone...but then again, when did they ever? they reminded me of pesky insects, each one buzzing and biting to get my attention, overwhelming me to the point where i ran to seek refuge in the cold. my body was screaming at me to return to my bed where there was still time left to swathe myself in fluffy blankets and enjoy my last moments of sleep before returning to face the outside world.

but still, i don't go back in.

however harsh the world may be right now, however loud the winds may blow, it was much better than being stuck in a silent room with only your shrieking thoughts to keep you company. the rational side of me knows that i can't stay in this moment forever, though i desperately want to. i'd rather listen to the shaking trees and the chirping birds and the gentle rush of the river nearby for eternity than be subjected to the bitter taunts inside my own head.

not good enough. not good enough. not good enough.

i stand there a little bit longer before eventually turning around, eyes scanning through the darkness for the pathway back to my house. but before i can take another step forward, a brush of light suddenly drops several feet away, prodding me to look up and see the first hints of sunlight peeking through a cloak of pitch-black.

my body stills and a sharp exhale leaves me, the first smile of the day- of the week, really- making its way across my face as the world gradually explodes in flashes of burgundy and rose, lavender and gold- a stunning rainbow confined under a thicket of puffy clouds. it was a mural painted every single morning, a gift to us from the universe, a gentle reminder to enjoy the small things in life, if only for a few moments.

and then, as fast as it came, the rainbow disappears, leaving a pale blue tinge in its wake. i allow myself to entertain the idea that i was the only one who had witnessed the sunrise today- like it was a beautiful secret created just for me to prove that someone out there still cared enough to see me smile. shaking my head in amusement, i walk back inside with a slight bounce in my steps, deciding then and there that getting up early was absolutely worth it. after all, what better greeting to start your day with than one from the sun itself?

➙ trapped in a sea of thoughts, the sun peeks through to let me escape and finally breathe