carapherneila. (m.c)

chapter 5. i'm not her, and she's not me.

I've never been that type of girl.
The one who tells who her crushes are, who's popular and who has the world in the palm of her hand, the type of girl who falls truly, madly, crazy, deeply in love and is foolishly completely falling.

I'm not that type of girl.

Never was, never will be.

I'm not like this because I'm shallow, or superficial, or I don't care. I'm like this because I know it will never last. These relationships are just flings, spur of the moment ideas, yes, there is that 10% that someone will marry their high school love, and even 7% that will marry their middle school love, but nobody is really like that anymore. We date yes, for the feelings, to be emotionally secure, to love and be loved, to say "Oh yeah, see him, that's my boyfriend over there!".

These girls are committed, they think that everyone is "the one" that they've found their one and only true love. He seems committed too, you plan your future, name your kids, talk about how you'll be together forever, but forever isn't as long.

Then, you start to realise... I gave him my heart, mind, body, and soul and he played me. I was just a piece in his manipulative little game. After you have your fair share of crying, then you feel this fire, this burning inside, and you think, hey, he didn't deserve me, he'll never find someone that loved him and cared for him as much as I did, even if she says she does, she's no me, she's not pretty or intelligent, she doesn't make him laugh like you did or make him smile as bright.

He's a 6 she's a 3 and I'm a 10.

You say your over him, you claim your ready to move on, then it hits you again, that sadness, that pain, that longing feeling for his arms to wrap around your waist and he whispers in your ear that he loves you, but he never does.

So, you get sad again, then filled with rage, and this hurting cycle repeats day after day, and you finally can't take it any longer.

You keep feeling this whirlwind of emotions and you loose yourself in all that. It becomes your embodiment. Your numb except for these feelings, he takes over your mind until you loose your focus, he slips into your dreams. It's just completely overwhelming.

But this one, this is different.

He could break my heart any day, and I'd be fine with it.

This boy and I aren't dating. We've never met. I don't know his name... but yet he's taking over my mind. He has me in the palm of his hand and I don't even know who he is...

This boy with the bright red hair, piercings, and tattoos must be mine.