Secret

Chapter 15

Songs for this chapter:
This Is Gospel - P!ATD
505 - Arctic Monkeys
The Worst - Jhene Aiko
Love Like War - ATL ft. Vic Fuentes
Stockholm Syndrome - One Direction

[Harry pov]
Chapter 15

"I miss you."
I read on my phone screen over and over. It had been about three months since Bella sent me that text. I look at it every now and then. I never replied; it hurt to say that I missed her back because it sounded like I was leaving her for a long long time. I mean I was, but I didn't want to feel like I was. I would have been appalled if she still missed me like she did then, or even missed me at all.

My new school depressed me to the point where I had no words to say some days. I mean yes, I had friends but no one sparked any certain interest to me. I don't particularly mean a love interest, but anyone really. Anyway, I'm just glad the school year is over and I'm finally out of high school but I mean, still, my old school was so full of life and no matter how much I said I had hated it there, I knew it was home. I hated the work, but I kinda liked the school. And Bella was there, God, I was so lonely, I've been so lonely without her. I had other friends but she was my best friend. She understood me and I tried my best to understand her.

I kept thinking about all the times we had: memories from like, the seventh grade that we shared, times we laughed until we couldn't breathe, the party, that night we kept each other's company in her bed when we should have been studying, and more just kept flying around in my mind.
I wondered if I would ever see her again. Would I? The last time I saw her was in December; I haven't heard her voice in more than half a year. I guess we weren't friends anymore. All good things come to an end. That's really sad to think about. And come to think of it, I think I loved her. As a friend. Shit, I don't know, I'm in denial. Even I know that.

I know I'll miss going to high school and I'll miss Bella and being around her, but college lies in front of me and life's gotta be lived. I can't mope around and be sad all the time. Fuck.
Bella always told me she wanted to go to NYU. For a while she had me thinking I wanted to go there too. Not for the school, but because it's where she was going.

Leaving her has honestly been one of the hardest things I have ever done.

"Harry, where are you going to college again?" someone said, snapping me out of my thoughts. "Uh," I swallowed, looking around to see that it was my sister, taking a seat at my desk as I sat up on my bed, "California State University in Long Beach." I answered. "Is that where you want to go?" she asked me. "I guess." I answered. "Are you sure?" she pressed and I shrugged. She questioned me with the look on her face. "Yes, fuck, leave me alone." I groaned. "Alright, fine." she mumbled and got up, walking out of the room.

I shook my head and grabbed my phone, checking through my notifications. Not that I had many, but you know, just in case. I went through my old messages and clicked on Bella's name. "I miss you." I read. "I miss you too." I wrote, but didn't dare press the send button. I backspaced it all and got under the covers, wondering what she was doing right now, in this very moment, when it was 2:00 pm here and 5:00 pm there. I was a jerk to her, I was so stupid. I want to go back. To Pennsylvania, where she is. I think these thoughts too often. I've been thinking recently, wondering if it was even healthy or humanely possible to sit in bed half of the day just pondering on how sad you are. Cause that's what I've been doing a lot of lately. I turned my phone off, knowing I should have texted Bella, but letting my fear and pride get in the way.

I sat for a bit, thinking of what I was going to do now. I got an idea and grabbed my special box, pulling out an altoids tin, putting the box back on the bookshelf that me and my sister set up the other day. I opened the altoids tin and smelled the familiar substance. God, I haven't smoked in a long time. I only did this kind of thing when I was really sad about some shit. And I was now. Fuck it. I did what I hadn't done in forever; I almost forgot how to roll a blunt. This is so bad, ugh. My parents would probably smell it later, but I don't really care at this point. I grabbed my lighter out of the drawer, lighting the joint and breathed in the drug, feeling the stress being slowly chipped away. I liked getting high every once in a while. That was a long time ago. Bella hated when I did it. I slowly stopped and now I sorta hate it. I mean it's cool relaxes you but it's not all that great.

I hope she knows it's her fault; this is for her. Actually it's my fault.
And who am I kidding? She doesn't give a fuck about me anymore. I could smoke any kind of drug until my lungs fell out and she wouldn't care like she used to.