Duran Duran Oneshots That Are Mainly Crack Ones

Andrew Rat Taylor (I didn't write this one)

POV: It's December 1984 and you're on your way home from school holding your mums hand. Earlier on, you handed her your perfect all A school report which she accepted with a grin. It was from your class teacher Mr Rhodes who you knew your Mum had a crush on. You were happy you'd made a good impression at your new school (you had to leave your old one because your Mum got involved in a sex scandal with you old teacher Mr R Taylor, in effort to boost your grades) . 

"Well Done, y/n. And guess what? Mr Le Bon has given me a raise for doing excellent reparations on his yacht. So as a treat for being good, you can get a pet!"

You practically skipped into the pet shop as you eagerly oggled at all of the animals in the cages. A rat with blonde, scraggly hair caught your eye and it muzzled against your finger as you poked it in the cage. 

"This one!" You said to your sceptical mother. 

"Well if it's what you want, y/n" You squealed with joy as your mum payed for the rat, a cage and some food.

You cuddled your new rat friend all the way home to your council flat. 

"I'm going to name you Andy" You said later on in your room as you fed the rat pieces of cereal as you watched Duran Duran and Spandau Ballet on Pop Quiz on your small television. 

You didnt know much about either band, but you realised one of the members of Duran Duran was missing. Oh Well! The show finished and you kissed Andy on the head before locking him in his cage. You licked your lips, he tasted of sour cream and chive pringles. You smiled to yourself as you snuggled up in your Culture Club duvet and fell asleep. You were woken up by your mother screaming. You opened up to see he in your room pointing to your rat cage and oh my god. ANDY TAYLOR WAS IN YOUR RAT CAGE! He was munching on some cornflakes with his face pushed up against the cage door. 

"Ah y/n your awake, thanks for saving me yesterday by the way, couldn't be arsed with that pop quiz shite so I did a quick switch and well 'ere I am" He said in his Geordie accent.

You had absolutely no idea what he just said so you just nodded, your face pale. THUMP. Your Mother had fainted on the floor. 

You looked up at Andy who just cackled "Nah would you mind lettin me out of ere, luv. Theres a match on that I'd like to watch. Up the Toons and all that, yknow?" 

Unsure of what to do, you opened the cage and Andy crawled out. He was pretty small anyway. He tottered out the door of your bedroom and into the living room, switching on the TV and sitting down on your couch. Suddenly CRASH someone came through your window, shattering it to pieces. You covered your face from the shards and looked through your fingers. It looked a bit like John Taylor, but it couldn't be - he had a beard and you were pretty sure he'd never been bearded. 

"Sorry about that, luv" He said in his apologetic Birmingham accent. He looked around before catching sight of Andy and his face turned red with rage.

"ANDEH, YOU FOOKIN DICK'ED WHERE THE FUCK AVE YOU BEEN. SPANDAU NEARLY BEAT US ON POP QUIZ YOU WANKER, AND WE NEARLY GOT DISQUALIFIED COS YOU WEREN'T THERE YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKING WANKER" 

Andy ignored him. He didn't see John walk behind him. He didn't see John take one of the strings off his bass. He didn't see John wrap it around his neck and throttle him until he was just a lifeless corpse. Andy never saw anything ever again. John stretched his arms up and yawned. He smiled at you as he pulled out a packet of white powder and pulled up Andy's top. He poured the powder onto it and used a coaster to make it into 2 near lines. 

"Hey luv, you want some?" John asked. 

And you, like your mother, fainted.