Blended

A Panicked Reaction

Namjoon snuck up to the apartment door as quietly as he could, already able to hear Tae's cries from outside their front door. The cab ride home had forced him out of little space a bit but it had still been hard. Especially after the nice man, Seokjin he reminded himself, had been so kind and soft with him.

He'd kept telling him he was doing well and being brave. He even patted him on the head and told him he could call him anytime if he needed help or advice, not to mention paid for his cab ride home. Namjoon hadn't had any money with him. He wouldn't have been able to go anywhere without the man's kindness. But what was even stranger was the fact that Namjoon didn't even want to go. He didn't even know the man but he'd felt so....safe. Something he hadn't felt since before he knew he was going to present as little.

And he'd been jealous when he watched out the window as Seokjin picked up his littles as he waved goodbye. Namjoon wanted to be held too.

No, he reminded himself, he was not little. He was big and big boys didn't need to be held or cuddled or coddled. Big boys took care of themselves.

Namjoon was still stuck in an in between headspace. One where he desperately wanted to stay big but he was also terrified to open the door and face the scolding he'd definitely be getting. And part of him wondered what would be happening now if he was one of Seokjin's littles. Would he be taken home and cuddled while he was put down for a nap? Would he have gotten an afternoon snack after playing at the park? Maybe a bottle to lull him into sleep?

Namjoon shook his head, trying to get his mind to stop wandering. To stop thinking about how Seokjin would react if he'd run off on him like he had Yoongi. He'd seen the fractions of a stern look when he'd said no one knew he was gone. Obviously a look and reaction well practiced with his own littles. Seokjin had hid it quickly but Namjoon was a smart boy. He'd seen it. He wondered if he'd be getting a scolding right now if Seokjin had taken him home with him. Probably. Both Seokjin's littles had listened to him when he told them to wait on the sidelines and hadn't even interrupted once. No little would listen like that if they weren't well disciplined, bribed or not. Hell, look at Taehyung. His discipline was so inconsistent because Yoongi was at work so much and Namjoon couldn't discipline him that he practically ran wild.

And that had been the problem today. Yoongi had left for work early that morning before either Namjoon or Taehyung had woken. It's not like he had a choice, they couldn't afford daycare for Taehyung so he had to rely on Namjoon to watch the little. But what no one planned on was for Namjoon to start struggling so heavily with his need to be in littlespace. Tae being little had only made it worse. Namjoon was just so jealous. He wanted what Tae had so bad but he had too much pride to willingly give in now.

Tae had pleaded with him to play with him no matter how many times Namjoon said no. He just kept pushing and pushing, begging Namjoon to pay attention to him. But Namjoon couldn't, he knew if he did he'd slip. And he was scared if he let himself slip he wouldn't be able to come back from it.

So he'd tried to leave, to lock himself in his room like he always did but Taehyung had grabbed his sleeve, wanting his attention and being too little to understand why Namjoon didn't want to play with him. And Namjoon, halfway slipped, had reacted on his childish half of his mind and had turned around and pushed Taehyung.

Luckily he hadn't pushed him hard, too panicked and focused on not slipping to put much muscle into it, but Taehyung had still fallen on his butt and being so little he'd burst into tears. Shock and pain from being pushed and distraught that his Joonie would reject and push him like that.

Namjoon had panicked. Yoongi would be so upset with him. He'd trusted him to take care of Tae and he'd hurt him. Would he punish him like he does Tae? Yoongi had never punished him outside of a few failed attempts at a time out in his room. But what if this was the last straw. Tae always got in trouble when he pushed or hit or kicked. Namjoon didn't want to be in trouble...so he'd run.

He'd practically flew out of the house, running as far away as he could. But his relief quickly turned to guilt and horror when he realized he left baby Tae all alone to fend for himself. He'd been so little, a toddler and he'd left him alone in the apartment with no way to contact Yoongi. He must have been so scared, sitting alone for hours until Yoongi got home. While Seokjin was being kind to him, Tae must have been hurting.

And Yoongi must be so mad at him. He was so protective of Tae and Namjoon had hurt him.

Namjoon bit his lip, hand still on the door knob. He could hear Yoongi trying to soothe Tae, trying to get him to stop crying but Tae was so upset.

Because of you, the voice in his head told him. They're always hurt because of you. This is all your fault.

Namjoon released the door, the tears he'd been holding back finally falling across his cheeks. He couldn't go back. They'd be better off if he didn't keep upsetting them. They were a family. A daddy and baby. No room for Joonie.

For the second time that day Namjoon ran. He ran until he tripped falling and scraping his knee, making him cry even harder. When he finally looked up he realized he had no clue where he was and the sun was setting. Joonie didn't like the dark.

The boy sat up on his knees and pulled out his cell phone and a crinkled piece of paper.

"I...I nee...need help. Y...You said c...could call if I....I scared."