El Desperado One Shot Collection

Idiot

Featuring: El Desperado

Category: angst

Word Count: 708

Warnings: arguing, mentions of sex, drinking

5. "You make me feel like I'm not good enough." And 26. I don't deserve to be loved."

When the same thing keeps happening over and over again, the only logical conclusion to reach was that maybe the problem was with you. At least that was Desperado's thoughts as he sat alone at the bar, shoulders slouched and a beer mug on continuous refill from the bartender resting in his hands.

How many times did he have to fuck up the good things in his life before he realized that maybe, just maybe, he wasn't meant to be happy? Time and again he fucked up everything he touched. Hunching over further and sipping from his beer Desperado continued his self-flagellation replaying the argument in his head again and again while cursing his stupidity.

Earlier that day

After a morning spent in bed, all Desperado wanted to do was continue that trend and spend the rest of the day with Kai. Yet there she was dressing and getting ready to leave him for an afternoon with her girlfriends.

"Why do you have to shop with them today?" Desperado asked irritably. "I'm gone all the fucking time. Go then."

He couldn't understand why she had to see them today, on one of the few days off he had. With all the time he spent on the road she had plenty of time for her friends. In the back of his mind a niggling doubt started creeping that maybe she wasn't seeing girlfriends. Maybe she was seeing another man.

"Despy, we don't need to spend every minute together." Kai said. "This is the only time we could all get together."

He watched her spraying perfume and fixing her hair, the doubts whispering louder every second until he couldn't hold it back anymore.

"Or maybe this is the only time you can see your boyfriend." He said bitterly. Desperado immediately regretted the words as she dropped her hair brush, the wooden back clattering loudly on the floor as she turned to him with hurt filled eyes.

"Boyfriend?" She asked softly. "Why...why would you ever think I was cheating on you?"

Desperado shrugged sullenly and looked out the window of their bedroom, fighting with himself to take back the words but knowing he wasn't going to. That his stupid pigheadedness was going to rear its ugly head and ruin this.

"You make me feel like I'm not good enough." He said even though he knew it wasn't true. Kai treated him like a king when they were together, made him feel on top of the world, like there was nowhere he would rather be than with her.

The distress on her face made Desperado want to reach out and hold her, to reassure Kai that he loved her more than anything. Yet he made no move, sitting and staring at her with accusations in his eyes.

"You never want to spend time with me." He said instead. "You always have to go shopping, or out with the girls. Makes me think you're running off to fuck someone else."

"You don't believe that do you?" She asked, her voice breaking as she tried to hold her sobs at bay. "I would never cheat on you. I love you. I thought you loved me too."

She waited expectantly, hopefully, waiting for Desperado to say those three words back to her. So many times he had said them to her, but in this moment, when their relationship hung in the balance he remained stubbornly silent.

"Oh." Kai said quietly. "I see."

Desperado rose from the bed, grabbing the first pair of sweats he found on the ground and pulled them on followed by a wrinkled t-shirt.

"You're not the only one who can go out." Desperado said storming out of the bedroom unable to bear looking at Kai anymore and seeing the devastation he was leaving behind.

Back at the bar

"I'm a fucking idiot." Desperado muttered downing his beer and signaling the barkeep for some whisky. Beer wasn't going to cut it. He needed something a whole lot stronger to make him forget how much he hated himself. "I don't deserve to be loved."