~First update November 3d 2019~
For a long time I've been trapped inside hospitals and locked away from the world.
For a long time I've lived imprisoned by my own body and the cancerous cells inside it.
My time is coming to an end. I know it. It is...
The funeral is beautiful, short and full of crying people. Just like Selena would have liked it.
My legs feel cold in the black dress that ends above me knees but I know the cheeky girl would rise from the dead if I dared to come underdressed to her funeral.
Standing for long is making my legs hurt and I start feeling lightheaded but I don't dare move.
Jullian's grip on my hand is only tightening as time goes by.
The day is bright, sunny and warm, I can practically feel Selena smiling down on us.
Her small body is dressed in a beautiful white dress and flowers are decorating the inside of the coffin. Her smile is not cold, it's heartwarming and real, it is hard not to feel like she is going to open her big, bright eyes and laugh at us for falling for this prank she orchestrated masterfully.
My family stays long after the funeral is over. At some point, Selena's mom hugs me and slips a piece of folded paper in my hand. I don't dare open it.
As soon as we are home, Jullian and I fall into a deep slumber that I only wake up from when my phone starts ringing.
''Yes''? I answer in a hushed whisper. ''Ophelia''? Harley's voice wakes me up and I make my way out of the house so that I don't have to whisper.
''Hey''. I breathe out in relief. ''What's wrong? Are you alright''? he asks, sounding a bit worried. I reassure him I am fine and ask him if we can maybe meet.
His yellow car soon pulls up in front of me and I stand from my spot at the porch stairs on shaky legs.
I make my way to him as he steps out of the car. I hug him before he can react. ''Heyy...'' his hands wrap around me and help keep me from falling to the ground. I sniffle and try to avoid it but before either of us knows it I am crying. He pushes me back enough to be able to look down at me in shock.
''Ophelia, what is wrong''? he asks in panic and I shake my head, as I try to dry my tears.
''Please tell me''. he begs and grips my elbows, pulling my closer. I look up and meet his colorful eyes. ''Selena has passed and I don't want to die and make everyone as sad as her death made us. It hurts but I''.... my voice starts to shake ''I don't want to die anymore. I want to try and get better. I will try chemo again, and I...I...'' I gasp for breath and he only blinks in confusion at my sudden outburst.
''You should get inside, aren't you cold''? he asks, eyeing my outfit carefully. I shrug and hug him again. He hugs me again and I feel him sigh against me.
''I don't want you to die either''. he says quietly. His eyes are glossy when I look up at him, with my chin against his chest. We stay still for a few more minutes. Him looking over my head and me looking at him.
''I'm sorry if I worried you''. I say after a bit. He looks down again and smiles before kissing my forehead. ''Don't worry about it''. he says against my skin and I close my eyes, enjoying the feeling. His arms around my waist keep me warmer than any coat could. But he insists I'll catch a cold if I stay outside in this dress.
I try to convince him to come inside but he refuses, saying he doesn't want to intrude. So he drives away and I go back in the house on my own.
''Mama''? I call out after I change into some pajama pants and a t-shirt. She appears to the kitchen door and I go there before she can walk out. I push her back inside and close the door behind us.
The woman stares at me in surprise with soap from washing the dishes up to her elbows.
I make her clean her hands and sit down. She does so while asking me if everything is alright. Once she is sitting I stand in front of her, nervously chewing on my lip. I open my mouth but close it again immediately. How am I supposed to say this?
To hell with it.
''I'll start another course of chemo ''. I blurt out and step back, waiting for her reaction. For a few seconds, she only blinks, staring at me blankly. ''Chemo''? she echoes and I nod, kneeling in front of her. ''Chemotherapy. Doctor Long is optimistic that it might work this time.'' I say. When she doesn't reply I start panicking. ''Mama? Are you angry? Ma''? I shake her knee a bit.
''Laura''? my father's voice asks from outside the kitchen. ''Daddy''! I shout urgently. He walks inside the kitchen and stares at me. ''Ophelia? What is the matter? What happened to your mother''? he asks and shakes mom's shoulder once. ''Dad! I think I broke her''! I start tearing up and try to stand but a thin hand wraps around my wrist and tugs me.
''Mama''? I ask and hug her. ''I'm happy for you baby''. she says in my ear and I let out the biggest sigh and a hysterical laugh. ''I thought you had an aneurism'' I say and feel another tear roll down my cheek. Damn it!
''Nope''. the woman says with a smile. ''Just a bit shaken''. I receive a kiss on the cheek. My mother informs my father about my decision and I leave the kitchen to return by Jullian's side. He is awake but hasn't bothered to get up from the couch. I sit down beside him and he lays his head on my shoulder.
''Does it ever get better''? I look down at his face, ''What''? I ask even though I know what he is talking about. ''The ache in my chest.'' he fists the fabric of his shirt and presses his hand over his heart. I kiss his forehead and push a lock of his hair back.
''It never leaves, I think, but you learn to live with it. I think...'' I struggle to find the words for a bit. ''I think the pain might go away but the hole is always going to be there, in the shape of her. She will never be replaced, but you will love again''. I say hesitantly. I am afraid of hurting him more, but I also don't want to sugarcoat it for him.
The truth hurts, but it is still better than a lie.
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These past two chapters have been heartbreaking to write. But they are necessary :'(
If anyone is reading this book anymore please leave a comment to let me know😂
