Dying Free

Chapter 15

Walking up to go to the hospital has never been something I did voluntarily.

That changes today.

Getting ready seems easier than ever, my lungs don't bother me as much and I don't stop three times while getting dressed in order to breathe.

Odd.

Jullian is quiet on the drive to the hospital but he pretends to smile whenever our eyes meet. Mom and dad both had to work, hence why I have Jullian drive me. He promised me he was fine with it and that I didn't have to call Harley.

Dr. Long is waiting for us in his office. He is a middle aged man with graying hair and a well shaven face. His black eyes are mysterious and I like him because he is down to earth and realistic when talking about risks, side effects etc.

''Ophelia''. he greets me and I shake his overstreched hand. ''Tell me about how you've been feeling since the last time we met.'' he says as we all sit down in the office chairs.

I glance over at Jullian once before I start talking. ''Generally fine, few cough attacks when I walk up the stairs, getting up is hard after sitting for a long period of time, joint pain hasn't gone away after the last chemo and I am afraid it's gonna get even worse, walking up and down slopes is hard as hell, blood is still spraying everywhere when I cough and I almost fall over every time I do so.'' I list and the doctor takes notes. ''Fatigue''? he asks and I shrug. ''I do sleep a lot during the day''. I answer and he nods again, noting it down.

''The mobility issues might increase due to chemo'' the doctor informs me, finally looking up from his notes. ''I know''. I reply surely and he smiles. ''You had applied for a service dog a few years back hadn't you? Due to these issues''. I nod. ''I applied in one of the training schools since I wouldn't be able to self train'' he nods.

''They called yesterday, they have a mobility assistance trained German shepherd.'' I blink. ''They do''? now it's his turn to nod. ''He is ready to find a home, we don't have anyone else her who would be interested''. I look over at Jullian who smiles, this time the smile even seems real.

''Am I qualified for a service animal''? I ask, not daring to get excited. ''You are since your pain has lasted over six months it can be called chronic.
Chemo side effects usually go away after some time, a few months at most. It's been a year since your last treatment and I only expect the symptoms will worsen''. he says sadly and I nod.

''Alright'' i awkwardly say. The doctor claps his hands before he stands up.

''Fabulous. Now, let's get you ready for the treatment and I will contact your parents about the service dog issue''. And just like that, I kiss Jullian's cheek and am escorted to the chemo room.

The drug burns as it enters my vein through my port but I try not to pay the pain much attention. Bevacizumab I read the upside down label of the bag slowly dripping inside my port.

The session takes an hour and a half and by the time it's over I can't wait to get home. Jacob helps me to the car where Jullian is waiting.

''Can we go eat ice cream''? I hesitantly ask. ''You feel good enough for ice cream''? he asks and I nod even rhough I don't. We get our ice creams and sit at the hood of the car to eat them.

''How are you''? I ask and he sighs. ''Not good, that's for sure'', his answer saddens me but I am glad he is being honest with me. ''I wish I could help''. I say and take his hand in mine. He meets my eyes and smiles. ''You are, more than you know. Being here and not demanding me to be fine and happy, trying to get better, all this is helping''. he says and hugs me, causing me to drop my ice cream cup to the ground. I don't look at the cup twice, I hug him back and smile.

''I love you kid. You know that, right''? I tell him when he pulls back and he nods. ''I mean, how could you not''? he jokes and I laugh, happy that he feels well enough to joke. His heart might be broken, but our bond is not. It never will be.

I spend the day with Jullian since he has no school but when he leaves the next day I stay with my father. Nausea starts early in the morning and I keep throwing up for hours. The proccess leaves me emotionally and physically drained on the living room couch, dramatically bossing my dad around. When mom gets home he runs to her, begging her to take over, caring for my bossy ass.

''Wimp''! I shout weakly as mom walks into view. ''Don't be mean''! she throws a pillow at me. The brunette, small boned woman sits down near me and starts rubbing my feet. ''If you feel better tomorrow, we could go check Pippin out''. she says, referring to the service dog and I nod, feeling content.

''I am excited''. I say sluggishly and close my eyes. ''I can tell''. she says with a cheeky smile. ''Get that chemo brain to sleep, alright''? she says and touches my forehead before leaving the living room to go find my dad.

''I don't get chemo brain. I haven't since I was thirteen''! I try to argue but focusing long enough to even form the words is hard.

*****

When I wake up, I feel better but it's still hard to focus. ''Can I tell Harley to come over''? I ask my mom after I get dressed in some sweatpants and a hoodie. She nods without taking her eyes away from the documentary on the tv.

Harley gets here about an hour later since he did have to finish his homework first.

The pros of being homeschooled for the majority of my life is that I finished school at sixteen and don't have to worry about it anymore. I would like to get into college at some point If I live long enough, I just never thought that far ahead and I try not to.

Jullian, Harley and I watch a movie in the living room since my parents decided to go out. Being cuddled next to Harley might not help with the pain but it sure does help me feel normal, even if it's harder to think and stay focused on the actors in the tv.

Feeling normal is something I need.

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That was a pretty long chapter, I hope you enjoyed it. We are nearing the end of this book, only a few more chapters.🙂 see you guys on the next one.