~First update November 3d 2019~
For a long time I've been trapped inside hospitals and locked away from the world.
For a long time I've lived imprisoned by my own body and the cancerous cells inside it.
My time is coming to an end. I know it. It is...
Today Selena is leaving. Leaving the hospital to spend her last days with her family and friends outside of this hospital she spent most of her short life in.
When all the papers are signed and she is standing at the door by her mother I walk to her and give her one last hug. ''See you on the other side''. She whispers in my ear and then pulls back. I can feel my bottom lip trembling and her own eyes are glossy with tears.
''Don't cry Ophelia. Smile, until the very end''. She squeezes my hand one last time before letting go and moving on to my brother while a blush covers her tender skin.
''Goodbye Jullian''. She says quietly and before she can react, my brother leans over and places the softest of kisses on her chapped and bruised lips. Light as the wings of a butterfly, sweet as honey and bitter as a last goodbye.
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When Selena is gone, the whole floor is silent. Not even the usual chit-chat of the nurses can be heard. There is nothing but grave silence and silence has never helped me whenever I'm alone with my thoughts.
So I do the only thing I can. I walk over to my laptop, connect my speaker and blast some music from it.
Selena wouldn't want us to mourn her departure. She would want us to celebrate.
As I'm standing in the middle of my room, supporting myself on the IV pole I sway softly with the music thinking of every moment I've spent with the bright young girl. And for a moment I forget everything but the memories and am lost inside my head in the best way possible.
I don't hear him when he opens the door nor when he enters the room. I do however hear him when he takes a step closer and sits on the armchair because that armchair creaks when you sit on it.
I do hear him breathing but I don't open my eyes. And I just continue swaying from side to side softly as the song comes to an end.
''I never had you for the dancing type''. he says quietly when the last note dies out. I finally open my eyes and meet his as one last tear rolls down my cheek. ''I'm not, but today is a special occasion. She deserved a dance''. I say softly without looking away from the sea calling out to me from within his eyes.
With some struggle I make my way to the bed and sit on the edge. He watches my every move carefully ready to jump up and help me if I stumble over the tubing or my legs decide to give out for no particular reason like they have numerous times in the past weeks.
''Your brother told me that you decided you aren't going to go through with the treatments yesterday''. I nod once and sigh. ''My brother is right''. I speak and now it's his turn to sigh.
''Can you help me get to the headboard please''? I ask and he is by me in an instant. He offers me his arm and I grab his forearm as he helps me to move backwards until my back is resting on the hard wood. He starts to head back to the chair but I pull his sleeve causing him to stop and turn to look at me.
''Will you stay next to me please? I really don't want to be alone right now and my brother has practice and I told my mom to go home and rest.'' I look down ashamed for even asking him but he pushes me further in the bed and kicks his shoes off before pulling his feet on the matress and looking at me with a sad smile playing on his lips.
''Of course''. he says and exhausted as I am I nod and lean my head on his shoulder without further discussion, closing my eyes and letting out a shaky breath.
''Today hurts''. I say with a small and shaky voice feeling like a child.
''Shhh...''. he whispers and wraps an arm around my shoulders pulling me closer to his warm body and holding my aching body carefully and at the same time tightly.
''I just want the pain to end'' I'm whimpering now ''I want it all to end. I...I don't think I can keep doing this Harley. I don't think I can keep breathing and living in so much pain for much longer''. I cry and he just keeps holding me ,mumbling soothing words while softly running his fingers through my hair and down my bare arm.
''Don't say that Ophelia. Please don't say that"! He puts his hands on my shoulders and softly turns my body towards his, making me look at him. "You need to show death who's boss. You can't just give up like that. I know it's tiring and so hard some times, but you need to fight. If you don't; then who will''?
I close my eyes and lean my forehead on his chest taking in another shaky breath and coughing a bit. ''I'm sorry''. I mumble without looking up and he wraps his arms around me pulling me closer until I rest my cheek on his shoulder. ''There's no reason to be sorry''. he says.
But there is a reason, because I can't fight. I can't show death who's boss and stay alive just because I want to. And I hate it!
