[Completed] [Edited]
Being on tour was supposed to be an exciting time for Jin. He instead receives a phone call with the worst news he could imagine.
Started: May 11th 2020
Finished: May 14th 2020
First Place in the Map of the Soul Awards 2020
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I can't perform, Jin thought sullenly. Selfishly. So many ARMYs had looked forward to their concert for months, so many people had traveled here for this and now he didn't want to perform. They had worked so hard for this concert, not only them but also their staff and managers. But he couldn't help what he felt right? He was a rag doll for his emotions to throw around.
Jimin was sitting beside him now, but Jin could barely sense him. He was too busy trying to keep afloat in the sea that kept trying to drown him. Whimpering, the eldest threw himself onto his bed. He wanted to shut everything off.
Seokjung was dead.
It felt strange thinking about it. What hurt more was the fact that the other driver had walked away from the whole accident unscathed. And his parents and brother were gone forever.
Someone gets hurt at someone's actions
Someone gets gloomy at someone's speech and behaviour
Someone's spur of the moment becomes someone's moment
Someone's rage becomes someone's life
Jin felt his own tears start choking him. Jimin. Stupid Jimin made him sit up again and again the mochi hugged him. And Jin started breaking. Finally.
Maybe it was for the better. All the eldest could think of at the moment was how his chest felt. Jungkook was right: why couldn't he be normal? Why did this kind of a thing have to happen to his family?
"It's okay hyung." Jimin's voice was almost a whisper.
No, no it wasn't. He had to perform tomorrow, a performance that was going to be broadcasted to so many places, and he couldn't even control himself. His whole world was falling apart. He wasn't with his family at an important time, instead he was halfway around the world in a random city called Winnipeg. The last time he talked with his parents, everything had been okay. He had texted his brother just last night, Seokjung had sent him some dumb meme and he had gotten annoyed.
"There is no point in sending me dumb memes," Jin had texted back. Seokjung hadn't replied. He would never reply now.
Nothing was okay.
"We're all here for you hyung."
Jin whimpered. Loud sobs erupted from his throat and he felt himself go limp in Jimin's arms. His chest heaved as he sobbed. Reality disconnected from him again as he felt Jimin's hands comb through his hair. He was scared he would go on crying forever if he stayed like this.
Hopefully Jimin wouldn't mind.
---------
Don't get Jin wrong. He loved performing with all his heart. He loved interacting with his fans a lot. He loved the way they sang along with the members at concerts or the way they blushed when they saw him wink at them at a fan-sign.
But this wasn't about the fans. Cameras would capture him going back to Korea, there would be rumours flying around about why he was going back. Maybe the cameras would manage to capture in him in a vulnerable moment. There would be pictures, there would be headlines, there would be articles, there would be long threads on Twitter created by worried fans, and Jin didn't want that. He wished he could have space to sort out his feelings. He didn't know what to feel. He needed to go for the funerals. But he wasn't sure if he emotionally could handle it. Everything was so sudden.
Jin didn't want to perform. But the other side of him was ever present, telling him that he was alright, he had to perform or else rumours would fly. So much had flown out of his control, thinking about the concert made his emotions feel a bit better. He hadn't even gone to any of the rehearsals today. But he looked forward to the concert. It made him feel a bit better to focus on that rather than think about what had happened. He had to be stronger than this. Just this one concert. Then he could go back. Just one. If he could do just one, then he would feel a bit better about himself.
He had to spread his wings and fly. Swimming in this endless ocean would only sink him further and further down.
"Ji-Jimin?"
The smile that spread across Jimin's features caused some of Jin's pain to melt away.
"I'm going to perform tomorrow."
Hoseok crouched down in front of Jin. So he had been in the room as well.
"We won't force you, hyung, and ARMY... they'll understand. I'm sure."
The genuineness in Hoseok's eyes told Jin that he was telling the truth and wasn't just trying to make him feel better. But he had made his decision. He couldn't sit here and cry for the rest of his stay. The funerals could be held a little later. He could do this one concert and then go. They had never performed in this city before. He could do it. He had to. He had tried to convince himself. He would. He had to. He was going to break down otherwise.
He had to perform. Isn't that what Seokjung and his parents would've wanted him to do?
He didn't want to break down on stage or forget any of the choreography with his hazy state of mind. He didn't know if he could even go up on stage and perform. But he had to try.
Still unsure of his choice, he mustered up all the fragile courage and said in the strongest voice he could manage, "Don't worry, Hobi. I won't disappoint you or any of the others."
Jin meant those words when he said them. The worst thing he could do was let anybody else down. He had already let his family down by not being present when something like this had happened. And now, it was too late. It was too late to go back and see his brother cracking jokes or his mom trying to figure out how to assemble the table they got from IKEA or watch movies with his dad. He had spent so much time trying to build his career that he had completely forgotten to spend time with his family.
Hoseok gave him a sad smile. His eyes gave off an aura of sadness, unusual for a man like him.
"You never disappoint us hyung." the heart-shaped smile made a reappearance. "You're really brave, you know? I wouldn't even be able to think about a performance if I were you." he shuffled awkwardly, shaking his head sadly. "Yoongi hyung told me to tell you that your cousin said that they can hold the funerals next week so you can... or you can, you know, go back right now and be with your-"
"I want to perform tomorrow."
Hoseok nodded. "Okay."
Jimin swung his arm across Jin's shoulders. Hoseok sat on Jin's other side. The lights stayed off. It was just the three of them sitting together, supporting each other.
Tears started running down Jin's face at some point. If the others noticed, they didn't make any comment. One single tear rolled down his nose and landed on his pants.
One single drop. Maybe that was all that was left of the sea Jin was so lost in earlier.
