If I Let Go

1

I am not normally a superstitious person (a fact that annoys my herbalist grandmother to no end) but I have to admit there is something wrong, or dare I say messed up, with having the audacity of attending a wedding, without a date, and unfortunately catching the bride's bouquet for the third time in a span of three years, and suffice to say, still single.
      
The first and second time, I was a bridesmaid and excitedly joined the group of single, hopeful twenty somethings in claiming the bunch of flowers that are supposed to cast a spell on your better half, compel him to man up and put a ring on your index finger over a candle lit dinner.
Being a former volleyball player and jogging religiously must have paid off, because I managed to jump in my three inch stilettos and claim my prize.
        
In both accounts, my excitement and sheer determination could almost match that of the colonists as they scrambled for the partition of Africa, as taught by my History and Government teacher many moons ago. The obvious difference between then and now is that I had Nathan and we were helplessly in love. I had earned the right to be hopeful.  In fact, I was almost sure that he was getting on one knee before the end of the last year.
          
The bride must have a death wish or she wouldn't have thrown the bouquet in my direction.
Jaynes gaze is on me, acting all surprised like its a coincidence she made a perfect aim with her left hand and hit my nose, almost giving me a nose bleed in the process. She winks in my direction and I want to plot her murder ASAP.

She is still maintaining eye contact and I shake my head to let her understand she is not doing me a favor. The other girls sigh in defeat and resume their seats as the emcee signals the crowd to cheer for the winner.

I blush and massage my nose. It hurts like a mother fucker.

"Did she have to do that?" I ask, facing my sister who showed up surprisingly, dateless as well.

Melissa is a single mother of two but refuses to let motherhood get in the way of her quest for happiness and love, if it is part of the package. Most of the weekends, she has my mom, a former nurse who retired early to do large scale farming, watch over the kids.

At one point when I moved out of Nathan's apartment, she tried to talk me into rooming with her.  Her only defense was that being near loved ones would help speed up the healing process after having my heart broken. She insisted that what I was going through could almost be compared to a divorce because I dated Nathan for most of my early twenties. Although she made sense, I also had to remember that Melissa can be quite convincing when the outcome suits her and so I stood my ground.

I could foresee my impending doom- me turning into the boys second mom while she took time off being a parent and went on frequent trips and dates. Melissa works with the IT for a parastatal and her working hours are more flexible, hence her tendency to treat herself to late night outs and trips with colleagues.

"Don't tell me you changed your mind about marriage," Melissa teases and inspects my nose. It is a little tender and I know I will be wearing more make up that necessary for the next two weeks.

"It's the third time," I whisper not wanting to risk being heard. It is highly unlikely though, seeing that most of the guests have dispersed and are taking group photos.

" Don't you think it's a bad omen or something?"

"Don't tell me you believe all that nonsense Gran likes to say about luck." Melissa gives me a funny look. "I know you two used to be close back in the day."

“Oh, for god sake it has nothing to do with Gran. I am just wondering if I am cursed or something. I mean I can't recall the last time I was on a date,"I say avoiding her eyes and instead take a huge gulp of my soda. I immediately regret my choice of the passion flavor as it tends to leave a burning sensation in my throat after I swallow the liquid.

When I look up, Melissa is still staring at me and when she realizes I meant what I said, she doubles over with laughter and gives me a side hug.

" You are aware how ridiculous that sounds, right?"

"I am serious", I warn. "The sad part is that it's true."

“Salina, you owe no one a damn ring. There is no deadline. Fuck what people think," Melissa says without missing a heartbeat.

"Easy for you say that. You have Hayden and Ryan and in the grand scheme of things, they rank first when it comes to competing for your affection. You wouldn't care less if an epidemic suddenly rendered the remaining decent men across the globe extinct."

Melissa must realize this and doesn't argue. 

"True that. I wouldn't trade my boys for anything but it doesn't mean I don't fleetingly wish I had done things in the proper order. You know, husband first then kids. Not the other way round."

“Yet you manage so effortlessly to appear so content and badass," I smirk.

“I am an amazing actress. I should pursue that as a part time job. Do you know of any agencies that currently doing auditions?"

I snort at her fake seriousness, my initial worries temporarily tucked away at some safe part in my subconscious that is reserved for brief, private moments of self pity and wallow.

"You forget I am a college lecturer. You don't exactly mix entertainment with this kind of profession. Maybe we should go up there and ask Jayne. She has an impressive network."

On cue, we both shift in our seats to scan for Jayne who is now receiving gifts with her groom, Eric.

"Remind me to ask her as soon as they are back from their honeymoon. Hey, any chance any of the guests duplicated our present?"

I pause to ponder over this and now that Melissa brings it up, I am positive that its highly unlikely.

"I know we are anything but original. But just how often do you think guests at an ordinary wedding spend hours on the internet, prior the event, searching for the perfect gift only to decide on something that might never be used?"

“Wait, now you think the idea of a ring dish is completely stupid?" Melissa accuses and I realize the slip only a second too late.

“Well, its better than my idea of giving her cash," I reply and she nods.

“Do you think she will tell it’s from us?" Melissa asks again. Leave it to her to worry over the tiniest facts.

Who even cares about gifts anymore? The current state of the economy forecasts a rise in living standards in the near future and one should be grateful they are getting a gift in the first place.

"Wasn't that the whole point of attaching a card?" I deadpan.