If I Let Go

12

Later that day, when I cannot postpone anymore, I dial Mark's number. It rings for some time and just when I think I have lost my only shot, his deep voice comes to the speaker.

"Salina."

Even the way he addresses me by my full name makes me miss him more.

"Hi, Mark."

"How are you?"

"I am good." It comes out as a whisper. "And you?"

"Good too."

His voice carries a hint of impatience like he was in the middle of something important and I am a distraction.

"I miss you," I blurt out suddenly, surprising us both.

"I miss you too," he says seconds later and I exhale the breath I have been holding. "Very much."

"I am sorry for what I said. I wasn't thinking clearly and this sucks. Not being with you."

"I thought you wanted to be left alone," he mocks. "What changed your mind?"

Mark knows how guarded I am when it comes to my feelings and I can tell this is his payback. To get me to confess first. We are back to playing mind games again but I am willing to play along if it means I get to understand where I stand with him. I can get what resembles a closure and come to terms with the fact that I made the biggest mistake of my life. I will learn a lesson I wouldn't have otherwise learnt. 

"Because the past two weeks have been hell. Also, I got to think about this more clearly. All this is wrong and we should have known better but just what if we can find a way around this?"  I counter and brace myself for all sorts of replies.

"And how do you suggest we do that? The last time I checked, I had nothing to lose because I am selfish prick," Mark says, his voice grumpy now. "I pursued you because I knew I would get free sex and still fuck up your career as a bonus. At the end of the day, I get what I want. Why would you want to take such risks for a guy like me?"

"It's not like that. I said I am sorry, okay?" I say throatily. I will myself not to cry. 

"What are you really saying, Salina?"

" That I care about you, asshole! So much!" I shout and at the same time smash the vase on my dining table.

"Sorry," Mark says. We are both still surprised by my outburst and confession. "But you have known all  along that I have something to lose too. My dad sort of controls my future in some weird and fucked up way."

"Wonderful," I say resignedly when the words I have been hoping to hear don't come. Melissa was right about him. "I guess this is official then. Have a nice life, Mark."

"Wait, can we meet one last time?”

"So that you can dump me in person?"  I retort hoping to get a real reaction from him one final time.

"No. I just ... never mind," Mark sighs into the phone and I hang up.