If I Let Go

10

I wake up the following morning at a quarter past eight. I change into an oversized top and hunt for my phone which I suspect must be in the handbag lying carelessly on the couch. Like I suspected, the battery is dead.

I connect it to the charger and wait impatiently to check if I have voice mails or texts. When I turn it on, I am not surprised by the number of voicemails that June left and the number of messages she sent me.  June and wine are not a good combination so you always have to brace yourself for her emotional state.

I decide I would call her later. I see that Dad tried to reach me too, and surprisingly, Mark as well.

So there is a God after all

The smartest thing to do would be to call back or send a text and let Mark know I crashed early. But I am too nervous to compose a word leave alone dial his number. I barely know the guy but something tells me he is not that cold and might be pleased to hear from me. However, my bigger worry is how I would broach the subject and what exactly I would settle for should he suggest we get back together. I know it's time to talk to my unofficial life coach and sister; Melissa.

When it comes to matters of the heart, I trust June not to judge too harshly.  It certainly is why I turned to her first about my abusive relationship with my ex. She reassured me I was not some door mat and that I was not dumb for believing that Nathan was gonna change. June let me sob on her shoulder  for hours and together we decided that Nathan and I needed to go for a couples counseling because Nathan was having a difficulty coping with his predicament, the sudden termination of his high end job and having to start over.

Were it Melissa I turned to first, she would have taken me to the hospital to get my bruises dressed and thereafter, file for assault. She doesn't believe in second chances for abusers and serial cheaters. Perhaps her history with the twin's father, who left her with two kids at the age of twenty five, taught her a lesson on how to spot red flags.

But this time, I need Melissa's perspective because it's not  only about the likelihood of Mark breaking my heart eventually but rather,  the possibility of my not so professional interactions with Mark wrecking my career in so many ways. I plan to call him back and if he agrees to have a drink with me, I will confess my feelings for him. I have decided that it will sit well with my conscience if Mark looks at me in the eye and tells me he doesn't like me enough to pursue a romantic relationship than to get premature grey hairs tying to analyze each and every word he has ever said to me.

I open up to Melissa the following afternoon when we are having lunch in her house. I am feeding Hayden his fruit salad while Ryan is asleep. We have muted the T.V to avoid waking him up.

"I wanted your opinion on something," I begin. "It's Mark. I want us to work out."

"Sally, do you really want some guy you barely know to fuck up your life?" Melissa is quick to accuse.

"Well, I have known him since May and I have been to his house."

Melissa rolls her eyes. "How grand. So are you going to date in secret or what?"

I stop feeding Hayden and think of my next response. "It's risky. Word could get out that I am having an affair with a student and I will lose my job. In the meantime, I could start sending resumes and hopefully land another job."

My chances of getting a better paying job are pretty slim but I don't mention this to Melissa. It's always fun to watch my sister go berserk at my own stupid decisions.

"Yeah. Maybe you should ask lover boy to hire you," Melissa comments dismissively. She sets her own glass of juice on the table and folds her arms across her chest. I brace myself for a long speech.

"Are you really one of those girls who give up what they love just for a guy? You know, if he really loves you, why wouldn't he transfer to another campus? He can afford that. Why does it have to be you making adjustments?"

"Well, we haven't had that discussion yet. We aren't exactly on speaking terms," I say avoiding Melissa's angry eyes whose pupils are dilating wildly in their sockets.

"Oh," she says and I have no choice but to tell her the full story.

"What makes you think he is willing to make this work? From what you have told me, Mark did not fight for you. He let you win so easily," Melissa says firmly. "Come on Sally, look at the bigger picture."

"I don't know, okay? What I know is that I am not going to spend another sleepless night wondering what would have happened had I asked him out rightly what I mean to him."