Recuperation

Depression

{WARNING - Triggering content throughout the whole chapter, So please do not read if it will affect you or trigger anything bad}

Justin's pov

Here we go again. 

I have no idea what's happening. 

I have no idea why it's happening, but I know for a fact that I don't want it to happen, especially right now. 

Please not now. 

My depression was kicking in full force and I knew it as soon as I woke up in Jason's arms, why is it happening now? 

Withdrawal from cutting maybe? 

I don't know, but I realize right now that I don't like it. 

I was sat on the edge of the cliff not far from where Jason lay fast asleep not knowing what was going, I guess you could say I was there and I knew what I was doing for now, but the ability to keep above the darkness and not sink in it was rapidly decreasing, I didn't want to worry Jason so I was trying my best to keep above it in the light, but it was proving to be more difficult than I thought.

In my view it was kind of like watching the sunset, but it was in my head with the light quickly decreasing as the sun starts to disappear to be replaced by pure darkness. 

Of course though it is also completely different, whereas sunsets come and go, they are beautiful views and people love to watch them, you can escape the darkness that consumes some of the world, you aren't stuck in it, but in my head I am trapped and I don't know how long I could be stuck in there and I don't know if I will ever be able to see light again.

It truly is terrifying and I used to love the feeling of it, I used to bask in the feeling of being trapped somewhere where my thoughts could taunt me, but now I didn't want to be here, I wanted to be with Jason and I wanted to be happy. 

Depression is such a cruel punishment to have, there are no fevers, no rashes, no blood tests to send people worrying in concern. 

It is just the slow erosion of self, it is as insidious as cancer and like cancer it is a solitary experience, it's a room in hell with only your name on it. 

It's like walking down a long dark corridor or sitting in a dark room not knowing when the light was going to turn on, it is also like a war, you either win it or you die trying. 

People who don't have depression wont get it and they wont ever get what it feels like to have it, sure they could understand it to a certain extent but that's it, understanding. 

It is feeling so sad that your chest aches and your heart beats but you just feel so empty, like you are worth nothing and your life is nothing and you feel like everything would be better if you could just sleep for a while, or forever. 

Do you ever feel like that? Because that's how I feel most of the time. 

It has gotten a little better, but I can hide things well and I can fake a smile almost to perfection, Jason can see through me though and that both bothers me and makes me feel a little relieved, I don't like depending on people because people leave all the time, at the end of the day sometimes all that you have is yourself and that has to be enough.  

It's a feeling where you don't want to talk to anybody, you don't want to smile and you don't want to fake being happy, but at the same time, sometimes you may not know what is completely wrong with you. 

There isn't really an easy way to explain it to someone that doesn't already understand and if you could want anything in the world, it would be to be alone.