dear diary | jihan

𝗌𝖾𝗏𝖾𝗇

dear diary,

jisoo said he didn't have time to hang out with me today. he said he had plans to attend to.

plans. as if i'm not important.

but then again, when have i ever been important to anyone?

i guess i'll just go to the park. i can't stand staying at home, especially with dad having a holiday from his work.

i'd like it if i didn't get scolded at for merely existing.

maybe the fresh air would clear up my head? i know shua loves me. he wouldn't avoid me on purpose, would he?

hopefully i'll be able to sneak out through the back door. with jungah at the mall, no one will notice i'm gone.

xoxo, jeonghan.
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jeonghan deeply inhales as he strides through the park.

jungah had been advising him to stop thinking about jisoo so much. jeonghan had thought it was ridiculous. how could he stop thinking about someone he loved so much?

but now, he's determined to actually get his mind off the boy.

jeonghan bends down to pick a flower or two. suddenly, something goes off in his head, and he swivels around to face the small hill at the far end of the park.

he can see two silhouettes standing on the hill. being the curious boy he is, jeonghan sprints over to a nearby tree to get a closer look.

he sees chaesol... and jisoo.

jeonghan is filled with anger. how dare chaesol lure jisoo over here, alone? he catches sight of a thick branch on the ground, and drags it behind him as he runs towards the pair.

he crouches behind a bush and proceeds to eavesdrop on them.

"jisoo... i have something to tell you," chaesol says.

"i think i know. you like me, don't you?" jisoo says.

jeonghan's grip on the branch tightens.

he sees chaesol nod, and jisoo hug the girl.

jeonghan is now trembling of anger. he can't let this happen.

"you'll be my boyfriend?" chaesol asks.

"of course," jisoo replies, with a smile unlike one jeonghan had ever seen him show.

that was it. jeonghan couldn't take this any longer.

he couldn't lose.

out of nowhere, chaesol dropped to the floor. jisoo stared at her in horror, then slowly looked up to see jeonghan standing over her body, tightly clenching a huge branch in his hand.

"y-you hit her!" jisoo launches at jeonghan, who pushes him back with the stick.

"yes, i did. so what?" jeonghan casually steps over chaesol's unconscious body, and pulls jisoo towards him.

"you're a monster!" jisoo thrashes against jeonghan's hold.

"i loved you. you meant the world to me, and this is how you repay me?"

"you didn't have to do that! you could've just told me-" jisoo yells.

"would you have listened? would you have agreed to be mine?" jeonghan says, slowly backing jisoo into a tree.

"if i'd known this is the kind of person you were, i would've never listened to you in the first place!"

"you don't know me, jisoo!" jeonghan screams, shoving jisoo against the tree trunk. "you don't!"

"i really don't. i thought you were lovely and sweet. but you, you're a monster," jisoo breathes, his stare burning into jeonghan's eyes.

"how else could i have had you? how else was i supposed to make you mine?" jeonghan cries. "all i wanted was for you to love me!"

"you didn't have to do it this way! there are other ways, jeonghan!"

"i don't know other ways, jisoo! all my life, i've been told violence changes people. i thought it'd change you too." jeonghan stares at jisoo with tear-filled eyes.

"what else did you do? who else did you try to change?" jisoo looks furious.

"your friends? i was the one who drove them away. i threatened chaesol to stay away from you. i did everything i could to make you all mine," jeonghan says, a dangerous tone in his voice.

"you know what? i never wanted to be friends with you. the principal told me to be with you because you were a problem child. all this time, i defended you. i told everyone you weren't a problem child. i started loving you and genuinely wanting to be around you as a friend. and you do this to me?" jisoo says rather quietly.

"all along, i was wrong about you. you really are a problem child. a horrible one too."

jeonghan looks away. his jisoo never wanted him.

"i don't have anything left to say to you. just, get out of my life. don't you dare talk to me. i hate you."

"jisoo-" jeonghan seems to realise the weight of jisoo's words.

"i made myself clear enough?" jisoo looks threatening, unlike anything he's ever looked like before.

"fine." a tear slips from jeonghan's eye. "but keep this in your head."

jeonghan pulls jisoo tightly into his embrace, and kisses him for as long as he can. he pulls away, then whispers his final words into jisoo's ear.

"i love you. and nothing will ever change that."

jeonghan backs away from jisoo, who is staring at him as if he's something rotten and hideous, which he supposes he is now.

"get out!" jisoo yells, to which jeonghan runs away.

jisoo gazes at jeonghan until he can't see him anymore, then turns to chaesol, who is still out cold. falling to his knees, he cries.
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dear diary,

i messed up.

but what's new?

i'm a monster. i'm disgusting. i'm horrible. i'm a problem child.

jisoo hates me.

nothing has ever hurt me than hearing those words.

nothing.

not even father's belt. not even mother's harsh lectures. not even seeing jungah cry.

nothing.

could i have gone about this in a better way? now that i think about it, yeah.

but what can i do? i'm yoon jeonghan. i'm an emotionless, hideous, disgusting monster.

i don't know love. i don't know pain. i don't know anything.

all i know is jisoo.

and he's gone. he'll never be mine ever again.

i don't know what to do now. my happiness is gone. my light is gone.

i miss him more than ever.

xoxo, jeonghan.