dear diary | jihan

𝖾𝗅𝖾𝗏𝖾𝗇

dear diary,

i'm tired. goodbye.

xoxo, jeonghan.
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"who is it?" jisoo calls as he runs down the stairs.

there's a knock on his door.

as he opens the door, he is greeted with the face of the boy he's been dreading to see the most: yoon jeonghan.

but jeonghan has a wide smile on his face. wider than anything he's ever seen before.

the boy extends his hands. in them is a bouquet of freshly picked flowers from the park.

"it's a going away present. i didn't have time to arrange much."

"i'm not leaving?" jisoo says, confused.

"but i am," jeonghan chirps.

"you're... leaving?" the idea of jeonghan no longer being here almost crushes jisoo.

"yup. i'm moving to somewhere far away. somewhere where i can finally be happy."

"is your father coming along?" jisoo asks, observing the bouquet.

"my father? oh, no, not yet. he will pretty soon, though," jeonghan beams.

this is weird. jeonghan had been all depressed a few days ago. why was he so happy now?

"so you're moving away forever."

"yes. you'll never see or hear from me again. you'll forget about me pretty soon," jeonghan says.

jisoo laughs. how could he forget yoon jeonghan?

"i don't think i could forget you even if i wanted to."

jeonghan frowns. "oh no, you must forget me. absolutely should."

"o-okay?" jisoo is weirded out by now.

"anyways, the real reason i'm here is to apologise," jeonghan says.

"go figure," jisoo mumbles.

"hm?"

"nothing, go on," jisoo says.

"look, i'm sorry. when i did what i did, i was a mentally unstable idiot who didn't know how to sort out my problems. but now, i have a solution for them all. i realise that i was being batshit crazy." jeonghan takes jisoo's hands.

"i hope you'll find it in your heart to forgive me. i did what i did because i loved you so incredibly much."

jisoo raises an eyebrow.

"it's true! just the sight of your beautiful doe eyes made me feel butterflies in my stomach. your voice was like music to my ears. your hugs were warmer than a lovely summer day. when you kissed me, i couldn't get it out of my mind until, well, even until now." jeonghan smiles as he says all this.

jisoo blushes slightly. "w-wow, no one's ever said stuff like that to me before."

"i dreamt of kissing you every day. i wanted you to be mine. but i didn't know how to get you. i didn't know love. i thought i could force you into loving me. i guess not."

jeonghan looks down.

"i'm incredibly sorry, jisoo. i still love you. i will always love you. i hope you'll forgive me, one day."

jisoo gulps. jeonghan is going away forever.

"i forgive you, jeonghan."

"really?" jeonghan's eyes light up. "you're the best!"

he jumps into jisoo's arms. jisoo is a bit taken aback, but he adjusts. soon enough, they're cuddling like they used to.

"joshuji, i love you," jeonghan softly breathes.

jisoo nods.

jeonghan leans in. jisoo doesn't stop him.

their lips collide in a hungry, needy kiss. at that moment, nothing is more important to either of them than the feel of each other's lips.

jeonghan giggles into the kiss as he feels jisoo's tongue sneakily slide in. he's always wanted to try kissing this way, and he's glad jisoo's the one he's doing it with.

jisoo pulls away from the kiss. jeonghan is teary-eyed.

"i don't want to leave you, joshuji."

the nickname sends pangs down jisoo's heart.

"then don't. stay here," jisoo clasps jeonghan's hand.

"but i can't, joshuji. i must go," jeonghan steps back.

jisoo sighs deeply.

"have you forgiven me?"

"yes," jisoo smiles a bit.

jeonghan beams. "that's good. now i'll feel better."

he looks down, then up at jisoo. he forces the biggest smile he can possibly make.

"goodbye, joshuji. i'll miss you."

"bye, jeonghan." jisoo is tearing up. he can't believe this.

yoon jeonghan is leaving him.

suddenly, all the happy memories flood in his head. the soft giggles they shared, the warm hand-holding, the silly jokes, the sighs over tutoring.

jisoo extends his hand out to jeonghan.

"no, don't go."

jeonghan turns around, surprised.

"i-i love you, jeonghan. don't go."

jeonghan merely smiles. "i know."

"wh-what? i-"

"i love you too, joshuji."

jeonghan blows a kiss towards him.

and with those four words, jeonghan is gone.

jisoo slumps outside his doorstep.

what has he done?

tears flow down his cheek as he realises what he's losing.

he's losing yoon jeonghan.

something about the entire situation seems off. the way jeonghan's smile seems eerily genuine, despite his depression.

jisoo shakes those thoughts away. all he could focus on was the thought of losing yoon jeonghan.

jisoo cries himself to sleep that night. he can't believe he loves jeonghan.

but he does.

he wants the boy back so badly. he wants to treat him all lovingly, like a boyfriend would.

but there's no hope.

jisoo forces his eyelids shut as he makes himself dream about everything, anything, but yoon jeonghan.

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dear diary,

i'm a hypocrite.

i said i wouldn't be writing in this anymore. i also said i wouldn't be going to heaven.

but i am!!!

i'm so excited to become an angel.

jisoo said he loves me. oh, how i wish i could've stayed and loved him for eternity.

but i can't. hong jisoo doesn't deserve someone as miserable as me.

this is truly my last goodbye. thank you, jisoo, for all you've done.

i love you, joshuji.

xoxo, jeonghan.