dear diary | jihan

𝗍𝗐𝖾𝗅𝗏𝖾

tw: suicide and self-harm

***

jisoo sat up straight, heaving and panting.

this was way too real to be a mere nightmare.

this didn't feel right.

nothing felt right.

this wasn't just a scary dream. nor was it a thought. this was real.

he scrambled out of bed, and banged on his parents' bedroom door.

bleary-eyed, the three people began to sprint towards a familiar location for jisoo.

he didn't know where his feet were taking him. but he let them lead the way.

before he knew it, he faced jeonghan's shabby little house.

"jisoo, what is this?" his mother asks, rubbing her eyes. "it's three o'clock in the morning."

"we need to go inside!"

jisoo kicks open the door. it's unlocked.

jisoo supposes jeonghan's father isn't home. there's no trace of him anywhere.

his feet lead him up to jeonghan's room. as he bangs open the door, the sight in front of him almost causes him to faint.

jeonghan is sprawled on the floor. blood is pooling beneath his abdomen. and worst of all, a knife is pierced into his stomach.

jisoo lets out a blood-curdling scream.

he rushes towards the boy as his parents come into the room. his mother freezes in shock, while his father immediately dials the emergency services.

jisoo cradles jeonghan's cold, limp body in his arms. he sobs over his body, and softly pecks jeonghan's dry, cracked lips.

"i loved you, han. why did you do this to me?" jisoo whispers between sobs.

jisoo's father crouches beside them. he checks for a pulse.

"he's alive," he says.

jisoo lets out a sigh of relief. jeonghan twitches a bit in his arms.

"jeonghannie, don't die on me! don't give up! you're my strong, brave hannie, aren't you?" jisoo cries.

the distant wail of ambulances fills the street. paramedics rush in and out. jisoo's sobs develop into full-blown cries when jeonghan is taken away from him.

"m-my hannie-" he keeps mumbling.

"we'll go with him, joshua. he'll be okay," jisoo's mother calms him down, rubbing his back.

a piece of paper laying on the bed catches jisoo's eye. he picks it up and reads it out loud.
.
.

dear joshuji,

i hope this letter makes it to you. i spent an awful lot of time thinking about what to put in it.

i love you. i really do. when you told me you felt the same, i was ecstatic! i wanted to jump with joy and kiss you and hug you and all those things.

but i'm miserable. pathetic.

i'd rather not you know what i've been going through. it's really embarassing.

but if you want to know, jungah can tell you.

joshuji, you meant so much to me. you were my motivation for living. seeing your face every day made living worthwhile.

but... i'm i had to leave you. i can't be with you. i'll never keep you happy.

that being said, i do love you very much.

i hope you never forget me. keep me close in your heart.

i love you, hong jisoo.

love, yoon jeonghan.
.
.

jisoo's hands trembled as he held the letter to his heart. he held it there all the way to the hospital. he folded it and kept it in his shirt pocket, close to his heart, the entire time after.

the hospital was a blur to him. all he remembered was tears and emotions.

jungah came in. jeonghan's parents came in. the police came in.

but jisoo never left jeonghan's side.

he watched over the boy day and night. he clutched his hand, praying for him to wake up.

if god was real, he'd allow for a miracle like this. jisoo had never sinned. he deserved a miracle like this.

"wake up, my hannie. wake up," jisoo chanted day and night.

on the third day of jeonghan's hospitalisation, jungah came up to jisoo.

"i need to talk to you. regarding ny brother."