dear diary | jihan

𝖿𝗂𝖿𝗍𝖾𝖾𝗇

jisoo and jeonghan are sitting in jisoo's room together. jeonghan takes the time to wrap himself up in jisoo's sheets.

"get up. i have something serious to talk about."

jeonghan grunts as he struggles to get up. jisoo pulls him up, and jeonghan pats his abdomen.

"it still hurts."

"you drove a fucking knife in there. why wouldn't it?" jisoo growls.

"don't get mad, joshuji. i'm here, aren't i?"

jisoo calms his breathing. "yeah. you are."

he pulls out a small box from under his bed. inside are trinkets, bracelets, and tons of letters.

"what's that?" jeonghan peers at the box.

"it's my treasure box. i keep special things in here."

jisoo pulls out a neatly folded piece of paper. as he unfolds it, jeonghan gets to see the letter he wrote to jisoo as he was bleeding out.

"i couldn't read this last part. it's stained with your blood," jisoo states.

"it says you fucker," jeonghan jokes.

"of course," jisoo rolls his eyes.

"i'm kidding. it says i love you."

jisoo stares at the letter. "mind telling me what the fuck was going on when you did all this?"

"i wouldn't want to hurt you-"

"you've hurt me enough. this will be nothing compared to these past six months."

jeonghan deeply sighed. "okay then, shua."

he scrabbled around in his backpack for his diary. he pulled it out, and offered it to jisoo.

"what's that?" jisoo asked, taking it from jeonghan's hand.

"my diary. it'll explain everything better than i ever could."

jisoo reads page after page. the last entry jeonghan has written just consists of his name.

jisoo deeply sighs as he flips over and over, trying to comprehend the words. jeonghan slouches over, unable to anticipate what was coming next.

"yoon jeonghan, what the fuck?" jisoo breathes, shutting the diary.

"that's me. that's your precious jeonghannie."

jisoo doesn't waste a second in enveloping jeonghan in the biggest hug he's ever given the boy.

jeonghan feels uncomfortable as jisoo sobs on his shoulder.

"jeonghan..." words fail jisoo.

"it's okay. i get what you want to say. i'm okay now, jisoo. you're here for me. i'm okay."

jisoo breathes heavily.

"if you don't mind, could i open up?"

"of course, han. go ahead," jisoo encourages the boy.

"i- i don't know where to start," jeonghan says.

"childhood? what was it like?"

"terrible. i was an illegitimate child. that horrible excuse of a dad? he's my stepfather. he married my mom and agreed to take me in, but he only did it for her. he always hated me."

"my mom was about to put me up for adoption. she couldn't help it. she didn't have the money to raise me."

"for the first two years, everything was okay. my dad wasn't overbearing. mom gave me all her time. i don't really remember much, but i remember feeling loved."

"but then, jungah was born when i was four. since then, my mother cared for her only. my dad did too. after all, she was their biological child. but mom still tried to love me. she spent time with me and told me she loved me the same as jungah. i believed her."

"my dad... he hated me. my mom only paid attention to us. he wanted her all to himself. jungah was his own child. he couldn't lay a finger on her. but me... i was even his. i was the result of a one-night stand. he hated me because i was a dirty child."

"so i became his punching bag. if he got mad, he'd inflict his pain on me. i was far too young to understand at first. i didn't know that this was toxic. i tried to love my father all the same."

"but once i became older, about nine, i learnt about abuse. i learnt that my family didn't want me. only jungah played with me, and after a while even she was forbidden to. my own mother refused to be near me because she was afraid my father would yell at her too."

"for thirteen years i bore that abuse. every single thing i said irritated him. if he was in a good mood, i wasn't to be seen around him. he was... a monster."

"and then i met you. you became the light in my dark, miserable, life. you loved me in a way that no one had before. i'd never made friends. i was always aloof and alone, and you changed that."

"i became happier. i started to live and breathe for you. you were the only thing keeping me from ending it all. i... i fell in love with you so deeply."

"when you left me, i couldn't take it. then jungah and mom left. i was truly broken and tired then. i couldn't even get myself out of bed on some days."

"dad held me as the reason why his wife and daughter left. the abuse got worse. he... he burned me once. here," jeonghan gestured at his thigh.

"so i wanted to end it all. not even having you would keep me happy anymore. the abuse... it was too much."

"what did he do to you?" jisoo asked.

"huh?"

"what did that son of a bitch do to you?" jisoo was visibly furious.

"he... he hit me a lot. he slapped me. he teased me and pulled my hair. when he learnt i was gay, he called me names i can't even say. he burned me. he cut me. he hit me so hard i thought my flesh would just... fall off. he almost ruptured my ass once with a knife, had mom not intervened. after a while, nothing hurt anymore. it all felt... numb."

"that's it. nothing else."

jeonghan turned to look at jisoo.

jisoo's eyes were full of rage. he was heaving up and down.

"i wish i could just... strangle your father," jisoo shivers.

"hey, don't be like that. the law will take care of him." jeonghan rubs jisoo's back.

"you've been through so much. i can't imagine how much abuse would've hurt you."

"it breaks me to even think about it, jisoo. but that's all over now, isn't it?"

"he's a monster, han. a monster. he deserves to rot in hell forever."

"i hope he will," jeonghan said.

jisoo hugged jeonghan tighter than he ever had before.

"i know i can't possibly erase those memories, but i'll try. i'll love you. i'll give you everything you never had, hannie. i'll- i'll-"

jeonghan silenced jisoo with a finger to his lips.

"thank you, joshuji."

jisoo grabbed jeonghan's face, and gave him a peck on his forehead.

"i love you, hannie."

"i love you too, joshuji," jeonghan smiled.

"i'll make everything better for you. i promise."