ANGEL'S ASHES, bungou stray dogs [on hold]

iii. finding redemption

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𝐀𝐍𝐆𝐄𝐋'𝐒 𝐀𝐒𝐇𝐄𝐒

𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘱𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘳𝘦𝘦: 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘳𝘦𝘥𝘦𝘮𝘱𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯

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     ANGEL REMEMBERS IT ALL too clearly: the day Sakunosuke Oda died right in front of Osamu Dazai's eyes.

     She was there when it happened, only a handful of seconds later at arriving than Dazai, and Angel watched as the life faded from that man's eyes. Sakunosuke called Dazai his friend with his last breath, and Dazai held his friend with a softness she'd never seen the likes of before that day. There was something...human about it; something so unbelievably kind that she couldn't have ever dreamed about. It was something she knows to this day that she will never get the chance to feel for herself.

     Still, seeing someone with such a capacity for kindness when they were usually so cold and free of emotion — with occasional bursts of childishness — it was unnerving. Everyone knows what it's like when someone close to you truly snaps for the first time and shows the truth behind whatever façade they deem necessary to live in this fucked up world that's been decided to be home. Angel was utterly petrified at that vulnerability and openly shown emotion, and it still unnerves her to this day.

     That day, it was like losing her father all over again, and Angel can still feel that aching hole in her chest. Sakunosuke became her replacement father practically the moment they met. He took care of her the best he could within the Port Mafia, becoming someone Angel knew she could turn to for absolutely anything whenever she needed to. He didn't care that she had massacred a ton of soldiers, and he didn't care that all she was — is — good for is being a powerful weapon nurtured for the slaughter of her enemies. To him, she was a child who needed to be loved, not have her humanity ripped away and be moulded into a beast.

     Losing him made Angel realise just how much he truly meant to her.

     She doesn't think anyone could come close to replacing Sakunosuke, no matter how hard they dare to try. The person who may come the closest would be Dazai, but that's only because of how close and similar the pair are — but the idea of Dazai taking Sakunosuke's place would make everything Angel feels rather awkward. No one can fill Sakunosuke Oda's shoes, and no one can make her feel safer than him — save for one, or maybe two, depending on what mood they're in. That's just how the world decided to work for them all, she guesses — and Angel isn't sure that she could bring herself to change it for anything.

     Osamu Dazai is one of the only other people who can have Angel feel safe in any given circumstance, and there's a rather dark story attached to that fact. Another story she holds is, in its entirety, either manipulative and disturbing, or cheeky and oddly sibling-like — and this time it concerns herself and Chūya Nakahara. That is with an emphasis on the "oddly," mind you. They started out at each others' throats, which turned into letting their frustrations out on one another in one way or another, which lead to them having some kind of "friends with benefits" kind of thing. 

     Then they grew up, in their own ways. Chaos became untamable, and there was no escaping the complete insanity that followed any of them from their teenage years into their adult years. If you were to ask any of them, they would all vehemently deny being "good people" in any respect — but none more than Angel herself. Greed, death, and blood of the innocent cover all their hands, but none more than their female paramour.

     That day, Angel also remembers properly seeing Dazai's face for the first time.

     It's a strange thing to say, given that she'd been his subordinate for almost four years by that time — and had known him since he joined the Port Mafia when she was twelve, which meant knowing Dazai for close on five years in total. In all her earliest memories of the man, he's always worn a bandage over his right eye for reasons she's not entirely sure about, and that meant practically half his face was always covered. But seeing his face that day, not long after her sixteenth birthday, it made her realise something she has no words to describe; something that made her stomach twist and her eyes water.

     Angel heard the words Sakunosuke spoke to Dazai, pleading for him to become a good human being and protect the vulnerable. The look on Dazai's face as those cursed words left his friend's lips... It made Angel's heart ache worse than it already did right then, and she knew in her heart that Dazai would one day follow Sakunosuke Oda's plea. Although, she didn't expect for those words to be the final straw for Dazai. With barely half a week gone past, he up and left whilst on a mission with Ryūnosuke. It's clear in her memory, what they said when she chased after him that night, and Angel knew that they'd in no way ever forgive each other...

𝐟𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐲𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐬 𝐚𝐠𝐨

     "Dazai!" Angel yells through the pouring rain at the man dressed in his black suit and white bandages, her own dark clothing clinging to scarred flesh. He's just standing there, letting the rain soak through his suit and matte his hair to his head, staring at her with familiarly dull eyes. "What... What are you doing?"

     "What does it look like?" His voice is like ice but still so flat and emotionless, giving nothing away. "I'm leaving the Port Mafia, and you should too. That place doesn't care whether you live or die; only if you're important and strong enough to earn your place."

     "Don't do this, Dazai. Come back, please."

     "No. I'm done with it." Dazai turns and starts to walk away from her, not caring about the people he's leaving behind — not that Angel can blame him. "Make your decision wisely, Angel."

     "I told you to come back!"

     Unlike all other times she's accidentally used her Ability, this one Angel knows that she has no control over the second her body quakes. The path before her turns to rubble at the force of her Ability releasing, making Dazai stop and look back over at her, those golden-brown eyes widened in disbelief. He's rarely seen her Ability at this level before, so Angel can't blame him for that utterly baffled look, but she can blame him for never allowing her to release the true strength of her Ability like Chūya did. She can tell her eyes are blazing with the signature unholy light that comes with her Ability, and that's only due to the narrowing of Dazai's eyes.

     "Angel, think about what you're doing before this gets out of hand."

     "I don't fucking care, Dazai! You're walking away from the people who gave you a fucking life because of one man's dying words!" Angel feels her stomach drop at those words, and it almost makes her lose focus on trying to rein her Ability in before it kills him too. "Damn it, Dazai! It's your turn to fucking think about what you're doing!"

     "No." Dazai walks up to Angel without fear and places his hand on her shoulder, his Ability cancelling hers out, and allowing him to see the tears of her mixed emotions. "I'm the one being rational here, and you're acting like a fucking spoiled brat whose bastard father didn't teach better."

     "Fuck you! Sakunosuke was like a father to me, you asshole!" Angel shakes her head and stares up at him, tears flowing as she pleads with Dazai. "Just, please... Don't leave me too..."

     "I've made up my mind, little Angel. Goodbye."