I've been staring at myself in the mirror for about an hour now. Ugly feelings are invading my system as I am seeing my reflection.
Xean beeped me last night. Nag-aaya siyang mag-beach somewhere in Zambales. Kaya ngayon ay naghahanap ako ng swim wear na pwedeng dalhin. We will be staying for two days and one night.
Gusto kong mag-suot ng mga bikini gaya ng ibang babae. Pero natatakot din ako dahil maraming judgemental sa mundo.
My body can't be categorized as those of the models with almost to perfect vitals. Madalas akong asarin dati noong highschool. They would call me names such as piggy, baboy, dugong, and some are even foul and below the belt.
I would just smile at them, but little did they know that everytime they are calling me names, those words ran deeper in me than I expected. Those words started to build up insecurities that I have brought up until now.
Minsan napapaisip nalang ako na sana, sinaktan nalang nila ako physically. That would be more bearable than this sick feeling.
Wounds can heal overtime, but this? It grew worse.
In my attempt to please them, I started doing workouts and skipping meals. I lost some weight but got sick in return. I have to spend some days confined in the hospital. Buti nalang naagapan, kung hindi may tendency pa akong magkaroon ng ulcer.
Mula noon, hinayaan ko nalang na ganto. I would just turn a deaf ear to prevent myself from getting hurt. Hence, my self esteem and confidence are in their worst state they could ever be.
Ang mahalaga ay healthy ako!
Mukhang mauuwi na naman ako sa shirt or rashguard dahil dito.
My phone vibrated.
From: Xean Archer
Omw. Be there in 10, I brought some ramen and milktea. Saw your tweet :)
There he goes again with his smiley. Ilang beses ko na siyang pinigilan sa pagdadala ng pagkain, pero hindi niya ko pinapansin. Hayaan ko nalang daw siya kung saan siya masaya.
To: Xean Archer
A'ight.
Tinuloy ko na ang pag-aayos. Hindi nagtagal ay tumunog na rin ang buzzer ko. I opened the door for him.
He's wearing a sweatpants and a hoodie with his slides. Typical na suot niya 'pag nasa condo lang din. On his both hands are paperbags from a known diner.
Niluwagan ko ang pagkakabukas ng pinto para makapasok na siya.
"You seem busy, dinner muna tayo!"
Inayos na niya yung mga takeout sa table. He bought two servings of ramen along with my favorite milktea.
"Nag-aayos kasi ako ng mga dadalhin bukas. How about you?" I replied.
Naglakad na rin ako bago naupo sa harap niya.
"All set Madame." He winked.
Dito na daw siya matutulog para maaga kaming makabiyahe bukas. We ate our dinner in peace.
I volunteered to clean up and told him to just wait for me in the living room. Mabilis lang linisin ang aming kinainan dahil disposable ang containers.
Naabutan ko siyang nakatingin sa magulo kong gamit sa couch. Kita ko na nagtataka siya doon. Nilapitan ko na bago isinilid ang rashguards at kinuha ang bikini para ibalik sa aking walk-in closet.
Bago pa ako makalakad ay hinila na niya ako sa braso.
"Bakit?" Nagtataka kong tanong.
"Where are you bringing those? Bakit hindi mo inilagay sa dadalhin mo?" He asked in his deep baritone voice.
