The One I Need; Namtaemin(sequel to The One I Want)

Peace

Taehyung

    Make it stop.
    Make it stop!
    Make it STOP!
    My body slumps against the wall as I cover my face and head with my hands, tears almost drowning me as I attempt to suck in enough air to breathe.
     It's hard. So goddamn hard to want to breathe. Too hard. I don't want to...
     I knew it. I expected it to happen. There is no surprise at all. I was planning to welcome it with open arms.   
     But I didn't expect it to fucking hurt this much. I feel like I'm dying. The pain in my chest and head conflicts disgustingly with the pleasure coursing through my body. The pleasure also coursing through my mate's body at this moment. I hate this connection!
     So Jimin accepted Namjoon.
     Right now as I'm crying and dying on the floor alone in such agony and abject emotional destruction....right now they are fucking and basking in the pleasure of new love and a bright future.
Go fucking figure.
     Have I crossed their minds at all? Doubtful.
     I want to laugh. Did I really expect my name to be thought of at such moments. I'm inconsequential to both of them. Just a burden to everyone. Like always. An unwanted and unwelcome burden since birth. Why was I born again?
     Just a waste of space and breath.
     The bigger question is...why am I still allowing myself to suffer this way? I can so easily end this, end everything and the pain would stop.
    Everything would stop...
     That would be nice.
     I'm tired of trying. Tired of living. Tired of watching everyone around me be happy and move along without me. Left behind and discarded like the trash I was obviously expected to be.
     I can't even be that upset because I encouraged Jimin to take Namjoon back and he took my advice.
    I'm happy for them. They can be together with Ryujin and live on and maybe have more babies and just...
     I choke on my sobs as I crawl to the bathroom and shakily reach up to the bathroom mirror. Pulling it open, I clumsily grab whatever I can until I find the bottle I'm looking for.
     Unfortunately I forgot Namjoon emptied my pills out the last time he caught my meltdown. Angrily, I throw the bottle across the room and just close my eyes, trying to breathe. It comes out in gasping pants. It's painful to breathe, to live. To exist.
     Curling up into a ball, I pray for the pain to end. Is this the breaking of a bond? Is this what Jimin felt when Namjoon ended their bond? There is no way he suffered this much. No way.
     I feel like my soul is being shredded apart and set on fire. Like I'm choking on acid and torn apart at the same time. My body tingles in a mix of red hot agony and sexual satisfaction in a most horrible of way.
    I hate it. I hate this. I hate everything!  

I don't know how long I remain like this, I a tortured state, but when I can finally open my eyes, my gaze catches on a little reflective object hidden behind the sink.  
    My razor.  
    With trembling hands, I grasp it and hold it tightly in my hand. So shiny and bright. My only true companion of escape. Contrasting much with the black pit of depression I'm tumbling down endlessly.
    I can end it though.  
    Once and for all.  
    Over and done. Finito.
    Would that bring me the happiness I've sought after for so long? Is there anything on the other side for me? It has to be better than this. I just go through the motions. I'm not even living. I haven't been for a long time—if ever.
      I think it over for a long time before finally making my choice.
     I don't even feel it as the blade slices my skin so deep. Too deep. It makes me nauseous but I continue through it. Rivets of blood immediately begins running down my arm, mixing nicely with my pale skin.
     I roll onto my back and stare up at the ceiling when the deed is done. I can finally find my own happiness and release.
     I don't begrudge Namjoon or Jimin their happiness. They deserve it. I don't blame them, not really. I know deep down this was always going to end like this.
It's going to end like this.
     I'm content. Just like with my loneliness and depression, I'm content to let my life slip away so easily. The pain is already fading and the light around me feels warm, not too hot or cold. It's nice.
     It's right. I feel peaceful.
     And soon I stop feeling anything. Not the tears on my cheeks, not the hot blood leaving my body, not the pain in my chest and soul. Not the chill of my clammy skin.
    Why didn't I do this sooner?
So...easy...
Is it finally over?