Downtown Girls: Arrivederci Santander

Frustration

Chapter 6

Arrividerci Santander

What has life to offer when you have everything you want? Does it still offers wealth, fame, and fortune? Does it have any other things to give you?

Another life? Sex? Perhaps love?

The last word left a bitter taste in me. Love seems to be the hardest thing that ever made in this world. Only a few experienced what it truly meant. And only few achieved it and brought it to the after life.

I clutch my chest as soon as I opened the door and turned the lights on. The lonely and emptiness of the night greeted me. The bare room is caught up with the forlorn result of the wonted human life of me.  It feels empty...just like my heart.

I hate this feeling of emptiness and loneliness. Ang bigat sa pakiramdam. Ang tagal ko ng nararamdaman ito, pero ngayon lang ako naglakas ng loob na aaminin sa sarili ko. Pagod na ako.

Ganito na lang ba ang magiging buhay ko sa mahabang panahon? I’m not living. I am merely existing. At para saan ang mga itong ginagawa ko? Araw-araw, paulit-ulit lang ang ginagawa ko. The saturine routine.  That is my life.

Gigising sa umaga. Maliligo.  Aayusan ang sarili at ihahanda ang mga kakailanganin para sa trabaho. Papasok sa opisina at doon magpapalipas ng maghapon. Maghihintay sa tawag ni Serrin, kung magkikita ba kami kung saan o kung pwede ko siyang puntahan sa opisina niya.  

Laging naghihintay sa taong hindi naman ako kayang panindigan. For eight years, I have been a non-priority in her life. Kung kailan lang pwede, kung kailan lang niya ako pwedeng harapin.

Kaya niya akong harapin ko,  pero kahit kailan hindi niya ako kayang iharap — iharap sa mga tao na may pagmamalaki.  Kung sabagay, kasalanan ko din, pumayag ako. I allowed myself to be used. Sure, ginamit ko din siya, pero mas nagpagamit ako.

Noong una, may girlfriend siya, pumayag akong maging kabit. At ngayon naman na may asawa na siya, kabit pa din ako. I am the all-fucking spare in the closet.

Pero, hanggang kailan? Hanggang kailan ako kakapit sa dulo ng lubid kung sa simula pa lang ay alam kong walang humihila sa akin paitaas? Napapagod na rin ako. Napapagod na akong umasa na may taong nakawahak sa kabilang dulo ng lubid na hinahawakan ko.

"Stupid." Why should I even hope for it? Bed time stories were made for children to believe in fairytales and happy ever after. I'm no longer a child, yet, I still believe in magic. "So stu—"

I changed first before walking to the door. It's past one o'clock and someone is knocking at my door. I hurried when the tempo of the knocking changed. Gigibain na yata ang pintuan ko.

Wala na akong panahong i-check kung sino, basta ko nalang binuksan ang pintuan at hinarap ang taong kumakatok. "Alaska?" I was surprised to see her.

"Arrividerci Santander." Her voice was full of authority, very sexy yet dangerous. Umiigting ang bagang niya. Parang pinipigilan niya ang kaniyang sarili. And the way she stared at me, it was so intense that I have to bow down a little bit. I can't stand it. "Arrividerci Santander." It was slow this time, as if my name is her life line.

"Nakasalubong ko si Milo kanina, she told me that you're sick. Pumasok ka muna at baka mahamugan ka. Magkakasakit ka niyan lalo."

Hindi siya sumagot, nanatili lang siyang nakatayo sa bukana ng pintuan at nakatutok pa rin sa akin. Hindi siya gumalaw. Her jaw was clenching. Maybe she has something to say but she couldn't. I tried persuading her again to come inside but still, she didn't budge.