Deal With It ✓

Twenty: Loving Balance

Song: XS // Rina Sawayama

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I've never fallen in love with anyone.

I didn't really see the appeal if I'm being honest. My relationships have been completely superficial, the girls I've dated were only with me because dad was rich or because they wanted to scratch their itch. I've never complained about the latter, though.

Suffice to say watching my parent's marriage become loveless ruined the concept of love from a relationship aspect. But just because I've never loved a girl didn't mean I led a life void of the emotion.

I loved dad, I loved Amber and I loved music.

Music.

I absolutely adored the way my guitar's strings felt under my fingertips, and I loved how by a skilled flick of the wrist, I could glide my bow on the violin strings to make whatever melody I wanted to.

What I loved most about music was the fact that anything I chose to do with the instruments was within my control. With the pluck of a string or a tap on the drums, I could concoct whatever sound I had swirling around in my head. Instead of screaming when I was angry, shredding the electric guitar allowed me to convey the same emotion. The sound of the piano notes helped me calm down and relax while the feel of my bow gliding along the violin strings helped me stay grounded.

I had a habit of overthinking things. 'What ifs' always clouded my thoughts. What if dad never died– would I have been as close to Amber as I am now? What if I never confronted Nick about why he was mad– would he have continued ignoring me until I never reached out? What if Elise never left– would we have been as happy as we were without her?

The violin stopped those 'what ifs' from consuming me and my train of thoughts. When I played the violin, I was taking a break from those thoughts, and rather than reminiscing on the past, I was brought back to the present. I was in the moment and I wasn't spiraling down an endless hole of what could've been.

Ever since I became Amber's legal guardian, though, I haven't had the time to play any of my instruments– I didn't think it was in my best interest currently. The sight of my instruments became a symbol of what could've been, and I knew that if I even attempted to play the violin, my mind wouldn't be clear like it normally would be, I wouldn't be present.

Living my life was enough of a reminder that I had my dreams ripped away from me. I was so close to accomplishing what I set off to do. But then dad died, Dante added more bad news to the pile, and Mr. Harrison made me believe I was a shit guardian.

It felt like the world kept adding more fuel to the fire and I was lost and confused.

But then I met Rose, I reestablished contact with Nick and formed a proper relationship with Amber. Things were finally looking up for me. I might have found somebody that I could love without the thought that they were after my money or were only with me for sex. Nick and I were best friends, he was like the brother I always wanted and he kept me grounded, always reminding me of the reality of situations rather than my 'what ifs'. Ambe and I were closer than ever, we'd formed a tight bond and after years of living with her, we could stand being in the same room without breaking into a fight.

The universe might have a vendetta against me though because it decided that most of the hardships I've endured these past few months weren't enough. Now, there was a possibility that I'd have to remain the CEO up until the day I died because Amber didn't want to do it.