Did Time Stop?

05. LOOK AT ME?

So this isn't a real chapter it's a one shot basically and it's based on how I feel rn and how I have been feeling for the past couple of months. So basically I'm Kairi's pov and my gf (that I don't have 😌💅🏽)is Mattia's

⚠️ TRIGGER WARNING IN THIS⚠️

Kai's POV
It's currently 4 am on a Saturday, I was scrolling through tiktok, Instagram, snapchat, anything really to keep my mind off of how I've felt recently so that my boyfriend doesn't get woken up for no reason. It's been about a week or so since I've hung out with all of the boys together, I've texted Mattia a little but not like usual and he's noticed but I push it off and change the subject. Last night was really hard though and it was definitely one of the hardest nights..
Flashback
I was scrolling through tiktok, mainly mine because I like to read some comments. Well most of them not a lot because some are hate and don't get me wrong they're terrible people for it and all but I can't help but think they're right.
"Fag"
"How do you guys still Stan him"
"Ew"
"You're disgusting"
"Look at his acne"
"Come here lets play connect the dots"
"Why you gotta be gay"
"Kill yourself"
"🤴🏿"
   Hot tears started falling down my cheeks and I threw my phone at the wall not really caring if  it broke at this point. I couldn't calm down, I couldn't breathe. My chest was aching and tightening at the minute.. I got up and basically ran to my bathroom and grabbed my bag that held my razors. None of my supporters or friends know that it's been this bad but I just don't know why they would care. Why would I tell them? It's unimportant, dumb, and I'm just a mess. I've never felt so ugly, okay maybe I have but this one took the cake. I never ever really liked the way I looked, it hurt when my height was talked about, mainly just everything had the biggest effect on me but I'd never show..

One cut
You're disgusting
Second cut
Mattia probably doesn't love you
Another one....

It's over
I just kept on going for every flaw on me, there was a mess and I had cleaned but I was quite dizzy so I laid down and just let my eyes drift. Every flaw that people pointed out. I wasn't perfect, I never thought I was but I didn't need to be reminded that I wasn't. Im soon snapped out of my slumber by my phone ringing .

Mattia:
Hey baby!

Kai:
Hi.
Mattia:
Bebe, listen I noticed you have been distant
I just need to know did I do anything? I can fix it.
Kai:
You didn't do anything, don't worry.
He's such an idiot he's perfect, why would I be mad at him? I love him, he's my everything and more. This boy will be the death of me.
Mattia:
I can't not worry Kai, I love you so much and just the thought of you being sad and not with me hurts. I don't want you to feel alone because that's the very last thing you are. You're perfect and I love every single thing about you, every aspect, every feature, every single thing. Is perfect and I love you, I don't want you to drift I want to help you. Kai baby please talk to me.
He sounded so hurt yet so gentle, my heart was smiling yet aching. The boy I love, the one I call mine is sitting here thinking he is the problem. It's me, I'm just a mess. I sigh lowly and let a tear fall that I didn't know was there as I close my eyes and let his words sink in.
Kai:
M-Mattia, god I even sound pathetic. I love you so much and I promise that me and you are fine, you did absolutely nothing wrong. You've been very sweet and very good to me, I'm fine.
Mattia:
Kai, fine doesn't mean fine. The scale goes great, good, okay, not okay, I hate you, fine. I know you babe, and this isn't you I want you to know I care and I want to help you. Also, I'm outside so open the door I'm freezing.
I froze completely, he's here? It's 4 why is he here! Omg omg wait. HES HEREEEEE!!! I MISS HIM!!!! I bolt up to my room door and I run down my stairs so fast that I swear it was a matter of .2 seconds and I ran so fast I tripped on my shoe but caught myself. I open the door after calming myself and I see him looking down at me with a soft expression on his face and a gentle smile. God I love him, he's perfect his honey tone skin. His deep brown eyes, his fluffy yet tame hair, his smile is beautiful and the way he scrunches his eyes and looks down when he laughs. He's a literal angel and I'm a wreck, I'm ugly and just a short damaged mess.
"Hi baby." I say breaking the silence realizing how long I've been standing here.
"Come in, I missed you." I say hugging him.
"I missed you too baby, I feel like I haven't seen you in forever." He wraps his arms around me and picks me up while he walks into my house shutting the door. I just inhale his scent of mint and cologne, his scent and his presence make my head spin and I'm in awe. He puts me down and we walk upstairs hand in hand, we get to my room and my led lights a low blue signaling my mood. I forgot to change it and I hope it goes unnoticed but he looks at me with furrowed eyebrows and a saddened look in his eyes. He knows my led lights always signal or hint to my mood, I really regret not changing them. I put my head down looking slightly to the side.
"Baby boy? Please talk to me." He has a pleading look in his eye and it breaks my heart.
"I don't like myself, no one else does either." I whisper lowly but I know he can still hear me considering him leading us to the bed and him holding my hands in his rubbing soft circles on the back of them.
"What do you mean you're perfect, I love you and so do the guys. Even the supporters love you baby." He responds gently sounding soothing.
"No Tia everything isn't perfect, it's everything but. The people from my comments agree to you've seen them, they're right. My arms are noodles, my stomach is flabby it isn't tight and toned, my legs are skinny and short. My hair is to long and floppy, my acne is so bad and my lips are so small, and my hands? My hands are so girly... and look at my nose its weirdly shaped, my forehead is big and on top of that my thighs are to big." I say with a small tremble in my voice and a tear sliding down my cheek. I look up at him and see him crying as well, he switches us around so that I'm laying down and he's hovering over me with one hand holding him up and one hand moving stray hairs out of my face.
"You are beautiful, perfect, adorable, amazing, all of it. Everything that makes you the person you are is not a flaw. You are you and that is all I or anyone else could ask from you. The comments are just people trying to bring you down to make their lives more eventful. Not one thing is wrong with you, when I look at you I see no imperfection bubba I see someone beautiful and such an angel. I admire every feature of you, even when you don't think I'm paying attention I am one look at you freezes time for me and you're my only focus. The way your hair falls on your forehead naturally." He kisses my forehead.
"The way your nose scrunches when you laugh or start to cry." He lays a kiss on my nose
"The way your cheeks are fluffy and flush when you're nervous." He kisses my cheek
"The way your lips curve into a smile or when you bite them when you're focused, the way you pout and make that adorable puppy face that you know works on me everytime." He kisses my lips now, causing me to smile and melt into his touch. The words he was saying made me feel so happy and loved inside. I kiss him back closing my eyes feeling at peace, he is my home. He's my person. I sit up now with my legs straddling him and his back against the headboard. He starts to take off my shirt and I remember last night so I put my hand on his.
"T-tia, I'm tired." I say sounding as convincing as I could, I know he didn't believe it.
"Okay bebe, let's cuddle. Do you want to wear my T-shirt?"
"Uh no, I'll sleep in my hoodie tonight." I say playing with the sleeves noticing a slight red smear on the left sleeve. I slightly panic mentally and try to play it off.
"Babe?" He asks a worried look in his eye.
I avoid looking at him and continue looking down
"Hmm" I hum in response.
"Look at me"
"Please?" He asks after a few seconds of me looking at my hands playing with my nails. I look up with tears brimming my eyes, I sigh slightly and look him in the eyes.
"Can you lift your sleeves baby?" He says gently but you can hear slight alarm in his tone.
"No." I simply state.
"Please Kai?" He asks me rubbing my back slowly.
"Tia, it doesn't matter can we please cuddle now?" I whine giving my infamous puppy look.
"No kai. The look isn't going to work on me this time either, not with this." He stated seriously.
"You said it works every time." I reply under my breath with a slight attitude.
"Kai." Is all he says.
"Fine." I huff lifting my sleeve looking down embarrassingly with tears streaming that I didn't realize were there. I hear him gasp and clear his throat so I look up at him and I see him crying.
"Why are you crying?" I ask putting my sleeve down but he stops me and looks at my arm then me.
"Kairi, I'm sad. Hurt. You did this all because you thought you weren't perfect?"
I nod.
"Baby listen to me, I mean it to. Really listen to me, you are not anything less than perfect please don't ever hurt yourself again it hurts me to see this. I know you're hurting deep down but no matter what time it is you can call or text me no matter what the issue is I don't care! I will be here for you in a second, I love you beyond words and I can't say it enough. You are my person, you are my best part." He says sobbing. He gets up out of no where and goes into my bathroom.
"Where?"
I point to under my bathroom sink already knowing what he's talking about. He opens the cabinet and searches for a second but it doesn't take long before he pulls out the small pouch and opens it pulling out one of the razors. He walks over to me slowly holding it in his hands and sits on the bed. He looks at me and then looks back at his hand, he drags the cold piece of metal across his wrist twice.
"MATTIA! WHAT ARE YOU DOING STOP!" I practically yell out shedding so many tears that my face is red.
"How you feel right now. That is how I feel knowing you did that, knowing that you're hurting not asking for help. When I say it pains me to see you like that I mean it. Please promise never to do it again?" He says with the equally amount of tears falling down his face.
"I promise." I say nodding at him eagerly so that he knows I mean it.
"Thank you baby boy." He replied sighing and laying down.
"Let's take a nap?"
"Okay." I say laying my head on his chest listening to his heart beat matching his breathing.
"I love you bubba." He says pulling me closer so that my whole body is on his side our legs tangled and us holding hands
"I love you too Tia, so much." I say closing my eyes growing tired as he plays with my hair.
"I bet I love you more, I'll marry you one day." He whispered lowly, and that was the last thing I heard as I fell into sleep.

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That was long, I'm sorry but I hope you guys liked it. Vote and comment, I love you all so so much. This was just my current state and stuff 🥺. You're beautiful! (Didn't proof read because I started crying 😌💅🏽)