The Price of Falling

Chapter 36

"Something in the Way" - Nirvana

When Mom left for work, I texted Conner, telling him that I was free to talk whenever. I was still waiting for his response when it started raining out. I went out onto my covered front stoop to watch the downpour. I felt the rain comforting, especially when I was nervous about what Conner felt the need to be so cryptic about.

I saw his car pull up into my driveway three hours after texting him. It was dusk at that point, and I didn't see anything but the outline of his body stalking towards me.

"Griffin, look. I wanted to talk to you about something," Conner came to stand in front of me in the rain, staring me down.

"Okay, shoot." I said with a smirk. But when he didn't start talking, I got nervous. "Con, what is it?"

"I wanted to talk maybe about being done with the deal we made," he said. The smirk immediately left my face, and I furrowed my brow. I thought things had been going fine. Had he found another girl? Someone he liked?

"What do you mean? Did you--," I started, but Conner was quick to try and explain.

"I wanted to see if you would want to," he was wringing his fingers together, like he was nervous, "You know, If you'd like to...be more."
Grey oceans were looking at me through dark lashes and caramel skin. "More what, Conner?"

My heart was pounding out of my chest. I knew what he was proposing. He had broken the rules and fallen for me. And I had done the same. He had crawled under my skin and made a home there. He said, clearly, and no more faltering, "More than friends, Griff. I want more. I want it all with you."

"What about our deal? You promised. I promised. We had rules. An understanding," my mouth was forming words that I did not believe in or want to say.

"I know, Griffin. But damn it, I...I love--," he looked at me again as I sucked in a breath at that word. I was pacing back and forth, running hands through my hair, internally hyperventilating because, what about not falling in love? What about just wanting a summer fling before college? What about college? I didn't want to have anything tying me to this godforsaken town when I left, and now I had the biggest baggage of all. He saw all of this in my expression, because he looked at me suddenly with a cold understanding.

"You know what. Nevermind. You're right. Forget I was going to say anything." Conner laughed, a bitter sound. "Actually, I came here to break the deal. Might as well get it over with. You'll be in Seattle soon, and I'll still be here. And I'll be doing my thing. You'll be doing yours. It'll be best if we just break it clean." He stared at me for another moment, clenching his jaw. Then, he clipped out, "Right?"

My heart had just dropped to the ground in front of my house, and Conner Finley Price had just stomped all over it. "W-what?" I barely choked out.

"Really, it'll be better this way. Now you can meet somebody in college that's like you. Somebody good for you. And now you can be comfortable about him getting in your pants," Conner said. He was being cruel. Why? I felt the familiar burn of tears stinging my eyes.

"What do you mean, Conner?" This boy knew exactly how to make me forget so many words in my vocabulary. "What do you mean?" I stepped off the porch into the rain, trying to get closer to him, and he backed up.

"You heard me, Ruthie," he said. And in that moment, the nickname I had preferred for the majority of my life felt like poison seeping into my veins. I flinched and I knew he saw me because he flinched too.

"Why are you doing this?" I sobbed. I felt tears starting to stream down my face. Was he enjoying his manipulation? It was really more my manipulation than his own. I had willingly put myself in this position, and I had been so sure that I wouldn't fall for the sad, funny, goofy, dangerous, complicated boy that stood in front of me. And I had been wrong. So, part of this, if not all of it, was my fault.

An overwhelming sense of ambedo hit me. I lost all sense of the outside world. I felt every individual raindrop falling on my skin. The rain was starting to fall heavier on the world. The droplets pounded off of the concrete walkway underneath my feet. The street lights reflected off the street, creating an orange glow to everything around me. My hair started sticking to my face. I felt the sound of the thunder in my bones. I turned around and started to walk back toward the house, away from Conner.

I walked a few feet, then stopped suddenly. I faced away from him for a long moment. I breathed in and out. In and out. I wiped my tears, even though I couldn't tell the difference between my tears and the rain falling on my face. I breathed in another deep breath, trying to gather strength from the innermost depths of my chest. I turned back around and stalked toward Conner.

"You know what?" I pointed my finger in his face. "You're totally right, Conner. It was a deal, and now the deal is done. And I can go to college, and you can do whatever the hell you're planning on doing with your life, and we don't ever have to talk again." I almost stopped my verbal assault when I saw his face falter.

"As a matter of fact, don't ever speak to me again. I don't want to see you. Don't call me. Don't text me. Don't ask about me. I want to go back to pretending you don't exist. Okay? That good with you?" I turned on my heel and started walking confidently away from where my heart lay bleeding on the ground. My steps--my words--were all an act.

"Griffin," I heard a gentle, pleading voice behind me. I stopped in my tracks, and peeked over my shoulder. Conner stood there, shoulders slumped, looking more defeated than I'd ever known, begging with his body for me to turn around and take it all back. But his mouth wouldn't say the words.

I willed my feet to move, and started walking. But, I knew the closer I was to Conner, the more likely it would be for me to crawl to him on my hands and knees to beg for a chance to prove to him that a relationship with me could be good. That it was what I wanted, too. I turned away from my house and broke into a run. I felt the wet grass of my front yard beneth my feet and kept running. Down the street, towards the only place I'd ever felt completely safe. My very own hiding spot. My dad's old garage.