BABYDOLL // JJ Outer Banks

thirty-seven

"where is she!" jj screamed as he burst through the hospital doors into the waiting room, pope and kie not far behind.

john b and sarah shot up from the tiny plastic chairs and went over to the three. "jj, calm down," john b tried to quiet the boy, but jj wasn't having it.

"no, where the fuck is she?"

john b huffed before dragging jj by his arm into a more secluded area. "listen, i'll explain everything, just, first, how did you get here? who told you?"

"sheriff peterkin came and found us. now talk."

"when peterkin got there, she was about to arrest ward when rafe came up behind her and tried to shoot her. i guess hannah saw what he was about to do because, next thing we knew, she'd jumped in front of the bullet and tackled rafe," the boy let out a shaky breath. "there was so much blood, man. i think rafe got another shot or two off before hannah actually managed to get the gun from him and peterkin took him away." john b began aggressively rubbing his eyes, trying to push away the tears that were threatening to fall. "fuck, i'm sorry, dude, i-"

"this is your fault!" jj grabbed the boy by the collar, shoving him into the closest wall. "these past two weeks, all we've been doing is letting you drag us along in your delusions about your dad, and now hannah might be dead!"

"i didn't ask you to help!"

"it was a given, man! no pogue left behind, that's what we do! hannah knew it, we all knew it. why else do you think we followed you this far? huh?"

"you think i don't know this is my fault?" john b yelled. "i feel so fucking guilty, jj. hannah's practically my sister, and to know that i could've prevented this whole thing if i'd just given up and accepted my dad was dead is killing me. you think i don't know that?"

jj looked at his feet shamefully.

"and where were you, huh?"

unshed tears pooled in the blonde's eyes. "i-" he tried to speak, but was unable to come up with an excuse.

"yeah, that's what i thought," john b sneered. "did you know i held her?"

"what?" jj's voice cracked.

"did you know i held her? when she was bleeding out?"

jj shook his head.

john b scoffed. "figures." he glared at the boy. "i was there, jj. i held her in my arms as she bled out on the pavement, and where were you? hm?"

a painful silence filled the room.

"i used my bandana to put pressure on the wound while she lied there. i had to throw it away afterwards because even after trying to scrub it clean for thirty minutes her blood was still in it," he said, causing jj to wince. "i had apologized to her. if anyone should've taken that bullet, it was me. and, god, jj, you know what she did?"

jj let out a hollow laugh. "she probably said something like she would've done it anyway."

john b managed a sad smile. "yeah," his voice cracked, "she told me that it was okay. that she wouldn't have let me do this on my own because-"

"-no pogue left behind," jj finished for him.

he nodded. "yeah."

ugly cries erupted from jj's lips. john b wrapped his arms around the boy, feeling jj's body convulse with sobs.

"i'm sorry," he croaked. "it's not your fault. it's mine. i just didn't want to admit that i'm the reason she might..." he trailed off.

"no, you're-"

"yes, i am!" jj yelled. "when we heard the sirens, hannah was the only one who stayed behind, and i'm sorry to you for leaving."

john b waved his hand dismissively. "you're on probation, i get-"

"that shouldn't have mattered because look where we are now! the girl i've been in love with since i was like five is on her death bed and i wasn't there to save her!" jj fisted his hair angrily. "what if she dies without knowing how much i cared? what happens then?"

a sharp pain shot through john b's chest as jj stared at him with the most grief-filled eyes he'd ever seen. he looked completely broken.

"she was my person, john b."

"jj," john b said softly, "before she passed out, hannah told me something."

jj sniffled and tried to wipe away the tears that refused to stop spilling from his eyes. "yeah?"

"she told me she loved you." and in that moment, john b swears he heard jj's heart shatter from across the room.

...

after the doctor had told the group about hannah's condition, he'd allowed them to go in one at a time to visit her.

"she's out of surgery, and, as of now, she's stable. we managed to remove the bullets, which, luckily, missed any vital organs. she's had a lot of blood loss, so we were forced to put her in a medically induced coma. also, we've attempted to reach out to any potential family members, but haven't been able to get a hold of any of them. could one of you pass on a message?"

the group exchanged nervous look. the only real 'family' hannah really had was her father, but no one would ever call him that. if he heard about his daughter's condition, they could all assume he'd either exploit her for insurance money or just flat-out abandon her.

"we'll see," john b said.

the doctor nodded. "okay, well, she's in room 111. you guys can go in when you're ready," he said before leaving the group to themselves.

all sets of eyes collectively fell to jj. it was basic knowledge that they were the closest, so they all figured he would want to be the first to see her.

jj waved a hand dismissively. "you guys go ahead. i'm gonna see her last since i'll probably be in there for a while." he sat patiently, watching as all his friends took their turn in hannah's room. he fiddled nervously with the worn friendship bracelet on his wrist, the once vibrant shades of blue now dull and faded like his soul. the guilt was consuming him; he'd left her behind. how could she ever love him after he'd abandoned her when she needed him most? even if she did love him before, there was no way she did now.

"jj?"

the blonde picked his head up from his hands to see john b giving him a sad smile.

"she's all yours."

jj wiped his sweaty palms against his worn cargo shorts, mentally prepping himself and what he was going to say as he stood up to make his way to hannah's room. although he knew that she wouldn't be awake, his conscious just couldn't let him not vocalize his feelings. entering the room, jj took a sharp intake of breath at the sight of hannah's limp form on the bed.

"oh, babydoll," he whispered as he took a seat in the rigid plastic chair beside her. the thick layers of bandages wrapped around her torso were concealed by a thin hospital gown and her normally tanned complexion was now sickly and pale. if not for the obnoxious beep of the heart monitor, it would've been impossible to tell if she were dead or not. jj took her hand in his and pressed a long kiss to each of her knuckles.

a small sob bubbled up his throat. "i'm sorry," he croaked."i'm so sorry. i'm sorry i wasn't there for you like i promised, and so it's my fault that you're here right now. i should've been there. i should've taken the bullet instead of you. i should've been the one to hold you when you were dying, but i wasn't, it was john b, and i can't help but hate myself because it was him who got to hold you and not me. if you don't," jj swallowed the lump in his throat, "uh, make it through, john b would be the last person you talked to. he would've heard your last words, heard you say that you loved me." tears clouded his vision as he continued. "i'm an idiot and i don't deserve you. and i know that i already told you i was sorry for what i said the other day, but i just need to say it again: i'm sorry. you're not worthless, or suffocating, or nothing. babydoll, you're everything to me, and i know that sounds cliché, but it's true. i love you more than weed, and beer, and my stupid gun, and everything else in the world because you're the most important thing in my life. i'm so stupidly in love with you, it's insane. and i'm sorry. i'm so fucking sorry. please come back to me."