When Life Gives You Monica

Chapter SIX

But little did i know that this was the perfect time for my depression to kick in. It's like my depression, anxiety and self-hatred are always in a meeting, anytime past midnight sharing notes on whether Monica has been feeling happy or not just so that they could ruin my happiness or make my mental state even worse than it already is. 3am midnight, i wake up because i couldn't sleep. I tried thinking about the thing's that Tyler and i did but i couldn't seem to remember most of it, the only memory i had were my embarrassing moments. Like the time when i dropped my phone because i was so nervous, and the McDonald's fries saga i had with Tyler. Again, most of you probably think I'm exaggerating but the fact is, That's what depression does. It triggers those memories that aren't even supposed to make you feel stupid or embarrassed over something that either happened recently, or a year ago. It's a few minutes after 3 & here i am, wide and awake waiting for my depression to take over so that i can begin with my suicidal tendencies, but to my surprise? Depression doesn't take over the way i thought it would, it left me in tears for half an hour thinking about all the things that have triggered it for the past 6years. Me crying is actually a good thing because I'll only reach 3 stages that will make me feel better in the end. Stage one, thinking of the bad stuff and crying my heart out. Stage two, looking at the mirror, smiling and posing for a mirror selfie. Stage three, my favourite part... in stage three i drop dead and go to sleep as if i had been given a drug. Here i am, waiting on my journey back to dream land preparing to wake up with a swollen face, but most importantly? Swollen eyes that take almost 2days to heal. It's now 4am and I'm currently on stage two of the crying game, contemplating on whether i should open up to Tyler about my depression. I know that i feel lonely and sad right now and the one person that should be there for me is my boyfriend. But the thought of telling him could affect our relationship because not every guy out there can handle a depressed girl. I grabbed my phone and write a text to Tyler **Hey, you good? Because I'm not. I kinda feel sad right now... pls be awake** just when i was about to hit send, my time was up for stage two and i started feeling sleeping. I erase the message and go to sleep, hoping that I'll feel better tomorrow. I wake up, earlier than i actually do which is shocking. The first thing i do is go to the bathroom and get an update on how swollen my eyes are. Like the usual, my eyelids are puffy. But my home remedies of reducing puffy eyes is through applying a cold compress which reduces the swelling quicker. Since i was already in the bathroom, i decide to brush my teeth and take a warm bath just to clear my mind. One hour tops, i finish bathing and put on my black cocktail dress with my sneakers on waiting for Bella, so that we can go on a food hunt like we always do. My phone starts buzzing, it's a text from Bella, **I'm outside**. I grab my purse and quickly rush out of the house, i notice that I'm the only one at home, my probably went to work since her working days always change from time to time. I get outside where Bella was anxiously waiting for me because she bumped into her ex that lives across the street. Seeing her ex pass by & her anxiously waiting for me was funny and awkward that i couldn't stop myself from laughing. Bella has always been insecure with the way she looks but i have always been jealous of Bella's beauty and how curvy she was with her short black hair that had a touch of that Japanese hair cut, which made her more perfect. "What food are buying today?" Bella asked. "I don't know, I'm not craving for something solid. So ice cream maybe?" I said. "Alright, ice cream it is then Monica". We reach the ice cream shop and i could see that Bella couldn't wait to ask me questions on my yesterday's whereabouts. I wasn't ready to tell Bella about Tyler because like i said before, I'm a very secretive person & i suck at explaining myself. Bella and i are so different but still bff's. She orders a death by chocolate ice cream & i go for a French vanilla ice cream. Oh and by the way, i hate chocolate ice cream or anything with brown chocolate in it. After receiving our orders, the first words that popped out of Bella's mouth were "Where were you yesterday?". Tough luck on Bella because I've been waiting for that question since we arrived at the ice cream shop, so i already have an answer. "I was with my old friend from primary, you don't know her but yeah..." i said. "Okay if you say so. I missed you bro!" I giggled to brush thing's off because I'm not used to people saying nice things to me and that makes me feel uncomfortable. Bella and i part our ways, when i got home, mom still wasn't at home. That's good because i have the whole house to myself.  After a whole day of not touching my phone, i decide to check my texts thinking that Tyler sent me a text. But when i got on whatsapp, no text from Tyler yet. As always, i was the last person to text. I was in no mood of using my phone today so i ate my ice cream started binge watching Netflix series till i fell alseep on the couch.