When Life Gives You Monica

CHAPTER TWELVE

From what I've been told, I've been unconscious for hours and it's by the grace of God that I am still alive because I lost a lot of blood. The first thing i saw was Mr Smith and my mom smooching... just kidding, I'm just looking for more ways to be angry at the world because I'm still alive. Well, even tho I was scared, I felt ready to die. So, the first thing I woke up to was my mom crying and holding my hand. I could tell that she's got a thousand questions to ask me in her eyes but at this moment, she just wants to embrace her daughter still being alive. Mr Smith comes along and brings me a get well soon hamper. This is definitely not what I need right now but I'll just enjoy the moment. I get discharged after a week at the hospital and now I have to attend therapy sessions or risk going to the mental hospital. Finally arrived home, the only thing I'm looking forward to is eating home food and not hospital food. It stings that Bella didn't even visit me during my stay at the hospital but my hunger just removes the thought of Bella. Maybe she's feeling guilty? My mom has made my favorite dish, lasagne. It smells so good that I can feel the 'Welcome Home Vibe'. While Mr Smith cary's my bags to my room. For the first time in years, my mom seems so concerned about me, asking me what I'll be doing next, what's on my bucket list and when we going to the mall together. Oh shoot me now, so much love and appreciation makes me feel uncomfortable. I break the conversation with my mom and ask her to bring my dish to my room when she's done because I'm tired. I could see the disappointment in her face since she even set up the table, but I wasn't in the mood of awkward table conversations, especially after what happened. Mom finally delivers my food to me but I seem to have lost appetite, but I'm hungry at the same time. She just knocks on the door, puts my food on the floor and walks away. I take it inside my room, just when I was about to start eating, a thought crosses my mind and says "Monica, just starve yourself you deserve it". It didnt make sense on why I had to starve myself but it felt like the right thing to do. Just when I threw myself on my bed with an empty feeling inside, Tyler calls me. A part of me was happy but at the same time I felt so angry! I did the most dumbest thing ever, I answered his call. The phone call felt cold, I felt like disappearing. Because the more days we spent ignoring each other is the more he posts other girls on his Instagram story, how could he? He looks happy and I'm here suffering. Guess that's how the train of life is, isn't it? Tyler then says, "Monica I'm sorry for what happened last time, I've been apologising throughout this phone call and you still won't take my apology so you know what? Fuck you". Just like that, he drops the phone call an I immediately start crying, harder than I've ever cried before, but a silent cry Obviously because I don't want to stress my mom. My chest feels sore, i feel like I'm running out of breath. I look at my bandaged wrist, I feel like cutting myself on the very same spot and maybe I'll successfully die this time. Still crying, with a thousand thoughts burning my brain, I don't know how but I eventually just slept. Guess you could call it 'sleep drunk' which felt so good because my thoughts stopped burning my brain for a while. Now back to reality,  the next morning which I'm definitely not looking forward to. As much as I am hurt, there's still a part of me that misses Tyler, very dumb I know. But I just can't help it, the guy is my virgin breaker and my first love. So I think to myself, let me just brush everything off and fix things with Tyler because I'm still eager to find my happy place, my happy ending. Thinking of the devil, Tyler calls me & I answer. He apologises for his harsh reaction towards me but I turn the blame on me, I'm so good at doing that because living with blame adds on to my depression which I think I'd feel empty without it. He's cracking silly jokes and I'm bursting into laughter that my mom rushes into my room only to find out that I'm still safe, all she does is look at me and just passionately smiles and heads out. I know most of you guys are probably judging me at this point but I dont know if these are the side effects of trauma? We deal with it in different ways and in my case, I never hear about cases where girls were raped by their boyfriends, I try to convince myself that I wasn't raped, it's all in my head almost every day because the whole concept doesn't sound right. Sometimes I get flashbacks of Tyler forcing himself on me and I can still feel the pain that I felt inside and it makes me feel sick. Wow, I hate it here! Actually no, Tyler can't be my happy place,  I should let him go. While crying, like always... I text Tyler a break up message that I searched up on the internet because I'm so destroyed to a point that words can't even Express the way i feel. Just like that, Tyler and I were over. He didnt even bother to fight for me, all he said was "Okay." Whaaat? All this emotional trauma for nothing? No remorse? No nothing? What a jerk. Although a part of me was happy on the way he responded because that will hurt me enough to move on but a huge part of me wanted him to beg me to stay, by the way I love being begged you could say it feeds my ego but at this point I wanted it to feed my hurt through easing it, but that did not happen.