She began to fear every sound since she had met him. With every step she looked over her shoulder. Fear of him kept her wary. Trying to run from the nightmare he put her through was all that mattered, but the pain of being away from half of your sou...
He's scarcely left me in the past couple of days and now my heat is just a day away. He's holding me in bed now. I feel sparks igniting all over my body and it should be soothing. I'm far from relaxed though. My mind is in a state of turmoil thinking of what I'm going to do. While I think I may be in love with Apex I just don't feel ready enough to do what my heat demands. I also don't know what would happen if I don't do what I need. I heard that there have been cases of people dying from it when I first was going my research. Maybe, if I do what Breuer says there's a chance that I can get through this until I'm ready. Apex has been extra clingy since I suggested maybe trying the medication route. He doesn't even go to do his work. He's always touching me in some way. He particularly has developed quite the affinity for having me in his lap and he pouts anytime I get out bed. It's like having an oversized puppy following me everywhere. I don't know how I'll find an excuse to get away from him long enough to do what I need to do. I've already made plans with Breuer. The morning of my heat I am to meet him in some shopping mall to get the drugs from him. He sounded overjoyed when I called him, still, it sent chills down my spine. Something about him is so off. I've been trying to tell myself that it's just nerves making me feel this way. "What are you thinking about?", Apex asks. I look him in the eyes. He has such a hopeful look about him that wasn't there not so long ago. I remember the day we first met and how I saw his eyes. They have lost their hardened and fatigued look. The small pale scar on his brow bone has just become another part of him that I adore even if the story behind it is terrible. His pale green irises glow not just in their luminous but, also with love. All of him is so beautiful. I lean forward to press a quick kiss to his lips, "you". He raises his brows at this. "All good things I hope", he says. I smile at him. I want to tell him I love him but, the time doesn't feel right quite yet. I cup his cheek and run my thumb over the small scar on his lip. He leans in and kisses me. I kiss him like it's the last time. My nerves are telling me that this is goodbye in some way even though I know that it's not. I give into my silly superstitions now just in case. I kiss him with all my worry, fear, and passion. I kiss him with all of our past just in case we have no future. He returns a similar heat even though he doesn't know what I'm about to do. His hand tightens around my waist. My hand stays on his cheek stroking my thumb along with the high point. He pulls away. "Why are you crying?", he asks me with concern masking his beautiful face. I take my hand from his and touch my cheek. I pull it away to see tears resting on my fingertips. "Apex there's something I want to tell you but, I can't", I say. He pulls me to his chest. "It's okay", he says, "we have our whole lives for you to tell me anything". I nod at his words, trying to convince myself that he's right. I don't even know what I want to tell him. Do I want to tell him that I love him and everything about him? That I want want to see his face every day when I wake up only inches from mine? That I know things between us are far from perfect but, I forgive him as long as he's still trying to get better? That I want to live the kind of life with him that Eros always questions me about? Or do I want to tell him that tomorrow I'm meeting a sketchy guy that makes my skin crawl so I can get some experimental drug that might buy us some time? I hug him a little tighter than I usually do and listen to the rhythm of his heart. I wish things had been different and that we could have fallen in love the way that humans do. In another life we could have met and gone on dates. We wouldn't have all this pressure or pretense. We could just be a boy and a girl who loved each other. I trace the words 'I love you' into the space between his shoulder blades.
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