Thoughts

My Boy

Incidentally, my best friend happens to be a boy. If you asked me about my best friend a few months ago, my best friend would not be the same person.

I don't know what happened, and I'll spare you the details, but within two months, I lost over half of my friends. They're pissed at me and I don't know why.

But that aside, I have two friends. One is a boy and one is a girl. The boy is a year older than us girls, but that's okay.

That boy asked me out a few weeks ago.

It was admittedly cute. It was late at night (past midnight), we had been at dinner with two other friends, and we were listening to music in my car and talking when he just straight up said "do you want to be my girlfriend?"

I can't date him. I mean, he's great. He really is great. But I am not mentally stable. I am an anxious, lonely, impulsive girl who puts on a front that this whole mental instability thing isn't a big deal. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be dramatic or romanticise mental disorders, I'm explaining how it is, to the best of my ability.

I'm an anxiety induced insomniac with anxiety disorders. That's completely redundant. My insomnia is triggered by anxiety, but I'm almost always anxious. You see where I'm going with this? I stay up until 1am so often (as I am right now) just trapped in my thoughts, trying to form words to put them on paper so I can at least get a song or poem out of it. I try so hard to pour out my thoughts but it's so difficult to write anything relatable because my words don't make sense. My thoughts don't make sense. I don't make sense.

I cannot put the weight of dating a paranoid OCD girl on the shoulders of my best friend. I dunno.

Rewind to my comment about the friends being mad at me- A few months ago, I had a friend, we'll call her X, who I had been friends with for 10 years. As I mentioned, she got mad at me about something (I honestly do not know what) and hasn't talked to me in 2 months.

X also happens to work with me. We were working a shift together the day after all this happened, and I really needed someone to talk to. I told her what happened. I figured that we had been friends for 10 years and despite how mad she was at me would be there for me.

I was wrong, to say the least.

That Monday, my guy friend came to me in the hallway and said "So ____* texted me" (*____ being a girl we used to be friends with, he used to like, she's currently mad at us). I looked at the text, which read "So I heard you got rejected."

Ok. So at that point I totally panicked, thinking he was mad at me for telling someone, and I was terrified that someone else told. I yelled "what the hell?" in the middle of the hallway as we parted for our classes.

I asked a girl in my next class if she had heard anything about it. Apparently she did. From my former best friend.

The story gets even better.

If anyone is still reading this, thanks. Really. Thanks.

Some highlights of the conversation my best friend had initiated include:

"Wow, HE can't even get HER."
I can't tell if this is more insulting to him or me.

"He doesn't even like her. He's just using her to get over me."
Get over yourself? He's been over you for months, pal.

So that's been my past month. I've been dealing with this. The good news- My friendship with the boy who asked me out isn't awkward. If anything, it's less awkward. He has no problem talking about it, and is willing to confront them about it with me. Before this even happened, we had talked about how people think we're a couple.

I dunno. This actually may be a good situation. First of all, it's strengthening my friendship with my boy. Second of all, this shows who my real friends are.

All I'm going to say is that if these people want to be my friends again, they'll have to prove it. I'm just going to leave it at that.