VALOR

> it's not your garden, it's mine

my brain has unlearned how to keep quiet. as if it's grown a pair of lips, it tries to speak for itself. every thought i make up is daunting and yet so tempting to just blurt out with no remorse. i could be weightless, free! if only i could wait it out. sit still and be patient while the storm blows over because that's how i have been doing it for years. it's just the comfort. yet something in me has grown restless. possession gains a new meaning. obsession redefines itself in my shadow. i want to put what i have selfishly caught in a cage in front that bloodied face. show her that these flowers that have grown in my soil are not hers to tend to. they don't need her watering or her sunlight, and they don't need to be concealed within her rusted garden gates. these flowers are mine and they always have been. saying it out loud, however, is a forbidden fantasy of the past. yet i fall short every time they turn towards me as if i am what they need. if only they knew what was on the inside. if only they knew what i knew. my brain sparks this unforgiving flame and i fear that if i get too close again, the petals will burn, all the way down to the root this time. bringing pain unto those flowers again is the last thing i want to do, so it's best if i sit still and close my eyes, pretend the days are passing at unthinkable speeds. pretend you are not trying to get inside my box. pretend my unstable emotions are not spilling out the sides like never before. pretend this is fine and it will all go away soon. when i open my eyes, my brain will be hushed and my thoughts will have gone back to how they should be. everything would be normal if only i was good at acting. but alas, my eyelids gave way. they opened. they became wide and blinded, and it is clear to me now. the only mistake i am making is acting like you're not going to end up hating me.

r.k.