VALOR

> seraphical

sometimes i want to believe that there is a greater being watching over me. there could be someone seraphic guiding me secretly, and no one could prove that wrong. then, the burden of proof will fall to me, and i have no proof, other than the undeniable fact that i am still breathing. other than the undeniable fact that i have lived this long, there is no proof. but hope remains! it is always bubbling down in me, aglow with a warm yellow light, under all the blackness i swallow throughout the day. maybe that being is shielding my hope for me, protecting it from shattering, telling me as i sleep that i can do this; that i can wake up tomorrow and smile. it's a possibility, you can not argue with that. that's why sometimes i want to believe that there is a person with selfless saintly intentions, holding my hand while i walk the earth. maybe they are in my bedroom right now, and i could never know. maybe they are beside me in class, and i could never know. you cannot prove that wrong. you cannot prove that a godly being does not exist for me alone. maybe i am the only one who is allowed to consider this, seeing as they are mine and mine alone. maybe i am the only one who is allowed to intrude on their solitude, while their solitude exists for me alone. the only one who is allowed to receive aid from them is me. sometimes i want to believe that they are nudging me in the right direction and down the best path for me. sometimes i can feel a tap on my shoulder, sometimes i can feel someone calling my name when no one is there, and sometimes i can feel hands holding my head as pressure builds, all to tell me that i am real and breathing on this sturdy ground. my feet are glued to the spot as i am awoken by the greater being that i possess. i possess it, and it possesses me. we are one in the same, best friends, bound by thought alone, and they hold my hand when i don't know i need it. but it is apparent to them when comfort is my desire. it is apparent to them when love is my desire. it is apparent to them when crying is my desire. and they allow it. they give me what i need, only when it is necessary. that's why i feel the sudden fullness in my hands and fingers. that's why i have been given people to talk to. that's why i have been allowed this flow of tears at night. because sometimes i want to believe that i am not alone when only my heartbeat is in the vicinity. and the only way i am never completely alone is if this unearthly being is at my side to be my companion through thick and thin, through praise and sin. through everything i can muster with the weaknesses i harbor. through everything i have ever felt and dealt-they are here. for i am not alone, as long as i have them. as long as i have them. and sometimes i do believe it.

r.k.