Dimitri's POV in Spirit Bound Vampire Academy

Chapter 7b

How many lives did I take? The things I had said and done to Rose. I was not worth her love. I put her in danger, and hell I tried to kill her! Twice. She travelled all the way to Russia to save me, and that's how I repay her. 

Roza . . . What have I done to you? There was nothing I could do to forgive myself for what I put her through. If that was what I was capable of doing to the one I love, I don't deserve to love. This can't be real. How I wish someone would tell me this was some kind of sick joke. None of that happened. I didn't do those things. 

I should have been killed on that night, back at the academy. Things wouldn't have turned out like this. All those people I killed would still be alive right now. I wouldn't have hurt Rose. I pictured her thick dark curls cascaded on her shoulders, the way she looked at me and how eyes swirled with emotion. How could I have dared hurt her? 

I don't feel like myself. I feel haunted by the memories of someone else, but that was me. I did those things. It was my lust for Rose that put her in danger. My lust for power that had so many people killed.

Why did it have to be her? That made everything much worse. The things I did to her, the danger I put her through. I toyed, manipulated and almost turned her.  There were so many things I wanted to do to her. Horrible things. And that truly scared me.  

You don't deserve her. I can't be with her, not after the way I treated her. She deserves better. To have done things I did, even as a Strigoi those were my hands that tore through flesh. My hands that hurt Rose. She was not weak, but so much stronger than I realised. I was weak, being bitten and turned into one of those monsters. If only I had been stronger, If only--- 

I slowly focused on my breathing, relishing the sensation. In a strange way, it was a reminder that I was in fact alive: a reminder that I wasn't that man anymore. But that man was a part of me, I did those things. What if there was some Strigoi in me? Turning a Strigoi back into a dhampir was almost unheard of. I remember reading about it a long time ago, but that was all speculation!  

I won't hurt anyone else. I won't allow myself to be weak. If I truly have been restored back to a dhampir, I'll fight until my last breath to protect them. I need to seek redemption for all the things I've done, even if I know I can never forgive myself.

The guardians posted at my cell suddenly shifted, as I heard footsteps approach from the hallway. Another group of guardians arrived, one of them being Guardian Stan who I had worked with in the past. There must be a shift change going on. The new guardians took their positions, Stan holding a stoic impression that all guardians were trained to do. It was odd to be the one imprisoned rather than the one working alongside them.

There was about a dozen guardians posted near my cell, it looked like chaos. With how limited the space was here in the Court's jail, it was a wonder how so many of them could be around. So many guardians because of me. Normally there'd be four guardians at most on watch in the whole jail. They still thought I was a threat. Maybe I was.

I stood up, noticing the fresh set of clothes folded beside the bed. Where did that come from? I rushed to put those on, desperate to get what was left of the burnt remains of my clothes off. A pair of dark jeans, and a black t-shirt. I tied my hair back in a low pony tail before returning to the bed. It was becoming increasingly more difficult to focus on reality, I would drift to the memories of my late teens. Back at home in Baii with my family, where I was an innocent novice. How I longed for my mother's touch, for her to comfort me like she used to as a child. 

From time to time, a small group of guardians would come into the cell to check on my eyes, as if I would suddenly turn Strigoi at any instant. I knew where this was going, and so one of their many interrogations began.