EDIFICE | tk (✓)

TWENTY-SIX | grief and heartache

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"You know the saying, life's too short for regrets? You don't know the value of something until it's gone? Well, the moment the news of his death got back to me, that was the only thing I could think about. How did I let something as insignificant as a girl come in between the two of us? Was it my fault that all of this happened? Did I hurt Junghyun right until his final moments?"

"For a good few weeks, I didn't process it. I couldn't believe that he was gone. Gone and I hadn't told him that I forgave him. That I'm sorry. In fact, I didn't even so much as shed a tear until the funeral. Even then, it was hours after."

"I had been staring at the gravestone for a while by then. My parents had left already, my mom somewhat reluctant to leave me alone. But she must have figured out from my eyes that the best thing for her to do was to do just that. So she did and I was by myself with my dead brother."

"To be honest, I don't remember how it happened at all. One second, I was simply staring and the next, I was on my knees in the snow, bawling my eyes out."

"For the most part, that day's a blur. Yet somehow, I ended up in Park Jimin's car less than an hour later. That section is pretty clear in my mind."

"I remember Jimin handing me a few tissues, ruffling melting snowflakes out of my hair. He didn't say a single word. I had no idea why he was even there in the first place."

"After a few minutes, he stared to drive and at that point, I couldn't even be bothered to care. I didn't have the energy to ask or protest and I didn't even want to, I don't think. I was supposed to feel embarrassed and humiliated but . . . I think I was too numb to feel anything."

"That was the first time I went to Jimin's house. And that was the day I realised that he was the only one who knew how it felt. How it felt to have regrets and having no way to clear them off your conscience. Because of course, he had lost his grandmother too."

"He considered it his own fault, I considered Junghyun's death my own. In a way, the blame we threw on ourselves ended up being the bridge that brought us together. He was there for me, helped me through the darkest patch in my life."

"What had happened with Junghyun and the wounds I was left with . . . Jimin changed my perception, he understood me in a way no-one else ever had. Maybe that was why for the longest time, I was absolutely infatuated with him."

"The fight we had, the hatred that had formed our original relationship — neither of us remembered nor could we care less."

"But the one thing that bugged me was the way he treated me. He had always seen me as a younger brother. Someone to look after, care for. I've been treated as a child for most of my life. I wanted him to know that I wasn't that kid anymore."