prohibited {saimami}

+-chapter 3-+

she pulled away, smiling. "shuichi....you look...mad...you're not mad at me too, right ?..." she asked, scared, i came in. "no, don't worry, i'm mad at someone else..." i said, seeing kaede flinching. "may i ask who ?.." i sighed at the question, sitting on the bed. "rantaro is just stupid...." she sat beside me. "what happened ?.." i rolled my eyes. "he's just so weird, he beated up kokichi, almost killing him, then i dragged him to the bathroom so he could clean himself up, and he was too stupid to even think about what would happen if someone came in and saw him shirtless outside of the shower, he even said lewd things to me !" she smiled. "shuichi, i'm pretty sure he didn't wanted to make you mad...and maybe the lewd things were jokes to make you laugh, he doesn't know about what you've been through, if he knew he wouldn't have done that...you really should talk to him about what you're not okay with." i nodded. "you're right, that was stupid of me..." she smiled, then hug me. "i'm going to paris next week, i have an aunt there, can you promise me to stay with rantaro ?" i smiled. then nodded. "sure..."

~~~~~

???'s pov :

it's been a couple days since kaede got expelled. i'm not sorry ! those people disgust me...but at the same time, i think it was a mistake. my head was spinning with thought a i looked at him through the cafeteria, he looks pretty... i'm not gay though. i got up as i barely ate anything, i threw everything in the trash and leaved the cafeteria. i went to the toilets and locked myself up in a stall. i sat down on the floor and bursted out sobbing. what's happening ? why do i always cry ? i hate this. i feel distorded, i hate myself so much, i feel like i'm not myself. i feel stuck. 

i sighed.

i needed to calm down. i did the right thing, kaede didn't belong here. i hugged myself.  i hoped my mom would have think i was straight...and hugged me...and just give me affection... what am i thinking ? i am straight. i laid my hand on my chest. something is missing...

shuichi's pov :

i was walking down the corridor with my avocado friend, it was silent, but not ackward. "by the way shuichi, don't you think kokichi looked too much at you in the cafeteria ?" i sighed. "i might be his next victim, i'm feminin, people would believe him if he told them i was gay." he shrugged. we then heard a click, followed by a little giggle. the tanned girl ran away. "who was that ?" he asked, kinda angry. "calm down, it was angie from the art club, maybe she just looked for a reference." he sighed, and we kept walking. it was silent again, i looked at rantaro, he looked deep in thoughts. "rantaro, is everything okay ?" he smiled at me. "it's nothing, by the way, i need to go to the restroom, can u come with me ?"  i nodded. "sure."

we made our way to the toilets, as we enter, we heard a little "sniff" comming from one of the stall. "i someone in there ?" rantaro asked, unfortunatly, there was no answer. we checked the stalls and only one of them was locked. i knocked. "is everything okay in here ?" then, a familiar purple haired boy opened the door. "hi ?..." his eyes were filled with tears and he was shaking. rantaro raised an eyebrow. "what's wrong ?" he asked, pulling kokichi gently out of the stall and sitting him down with him. i never knew rantaro could feel sorry for kokichi. i sat in front of them as kokichi was taking a bit of time to answer. "y...you don't hate me ?" kokichi asked, sniffing. rantaro chuckled. "i never hated someone so much in my whole life, but if you feel bad, i still want to help you." kokichi looked up at him, then looked back down. i looked at him with worries. "so...what's wrong ? why are you crying ?" he flinched slightly. "....i-i feel sort of stuck....i don't feel like this truly i my body....i hate it so much...." he looked down at his hand. rantaro seemed to know what was happening. he still just sighed. "you should look up 'gender disphoria' on the internet, and take a therapist." kokichi looked up a him again. "...gender disphoria ?.." rantaro nodded. "and i'll be willing to help if you need anything, like clothes or if ur parents finds out, you can always come live into my house." kokichi looked down, then laid his head on rantaro's shoulder. rantaro wrapped his arm around the other's shoulder and whispered reassuring things in kokichi in kokichi's ear.

i felt like my heart was burning in rage, i didn't know why, but seeing them together made me feel something negative, i shouldn't, but i still do. rantaro started kissing his cheek. "hey ! stop it !" they both turned to me. i realised what had happened, tears were rolling down my jaw. "...shuichi ? are you okay ?..." he pulled away from him. "i'm really sorry, i don't know what got into me..." rantaro smiled. "just to say, you have nothing to worry about shuichi, i'm just trying to comfort kokichi, i don't feel anything for her." i tilted my head. "her ?... anyways, church is starting soon, we should go." i smiled, kokichi was still a sixth grader, we were 9th graders, so she just ran away while we made our way in church.

"so, shuichi, why were you mad ? you know, when i pulled kokichi close to me~?" i flinched. "i wasn't mad..." i lied. he chuckled. "i find kokichi so cute ! she's just the perfect girlfriend, maybe one day he will even be mine~, oh my god, i can't wait for her to just fall for m-" i ran away, whatever else he had to say, i didn't wanted to hear it. i wanted to cry so bad, i thought he was gay ?! what if he abandoned me....i don't want this....

i don't want this....