My bedside lamp flickered; the bulb was one of those energy saving ones you can get for a quid down at Walmart and that takes about an hour to screw into it's fixture, whether it was the fault of my non-existent electrician skills (although screwing in a light bulb was hardly a challenge for most people) or purely because it had been so cheap and hadn't been welded properly. Despite the shit quality, I loved the way it cast dark shadows across my room and provided only a dim light...it acted more like a candle than a bulb. Things were different today though; despite popular belief, Halloween was not a good time of year to get scared shitless. I pulled the blanket up over the top of my head and dug my fingernails into the palm of my right hand with such force that I left deep grooves in the skin. Joey Graceffa, my roommate and biffle, had made me promise that I'd call him if I managed to scare myself into not being able to sleep, but I couldn't help but feel guilty as I picked up my blackberry...he was probably having a great time at Luke's Halloween party and would be reluctant to leave so soon. I tucked the mobile back into my bra, for safe keeping's, and refreshed the comments on my latest youtube video. Over the last couple of months, ever since I had uploaded that video that discussed mine and Dan's relationship (or lack of relationship) the subscribers had been steadily streaming in. I was at a total of forty thousand now, and aimed to be at sixty thousand by Christmas time which was a fairly unrealistic goal, but not impossible. I liked to set myself goals, to plan ahead. One of my many plans was to earn Dan's forgiveness, no matter how long it took. The perfect opportunity was in a few weeks time, at this year's Playlist Live. It was strange to think that almost a year had passed since I'd fucked Dan, at the same event. I was almost embarrassed to say that I was hoping for a reenactment of last year. Almost embarrassed. Besides, he'd gone and got himself a new haircut that strangely made is hair look lighter and even more insanely adorable when it was curly; what he liked to refer to as his 'hobbit hair', hair that seemingly everyone except Dan himself, adored. I couldn't help but click onto his Youtube page and read the bio that was required, in which he referred to himself as 'some british kid' and urged you to 'watch the failure that is his life, feel better about yours.' which pretty much summed Dan up perfectly. I was pretty sure that I heavily contributed towards his shittacular life...being me and all. I closed my eyes, the quilt pressing against my skin and urging me to inhale the musty scent that came with spending two hours in the basement yesterday (Joey was in the process of completely cleaning the whole house, including my insanely untidy bedroom). Sometimes I wished that I could rewind time, that I could erase all the bad decisions I'd ever made and start anew. Going back to the day I met Dan would be ideal. Before meeting him, I would have made the decision not to dye my hair a hideous seaweed green, and I would have bought a nice, discreet nose ring to replace the flashy, dirt cheap one I sported at the time. I would have worn a dress that clung to all the curves of my body, without being slutty, and heels that allowed me to tower above those other girls. Maybe if I'd had made those slight adjustments, it would have changed things. Maybe I would have been more mature, and maybe Dan would have been so attracted to me that sleeping with someone else was just out of the question. In this version of the past, I wouldn't utter a word to Phil...I would never have become close friends with him. Maybe then, I could have stopped myself from sleeping with him...even though if Emily had never been around I would never have had a reason to. Then Dan and Phil's friendship would have remained intact. I tugged at a strand of my hair that had fallen loose from it's ponytail, in frustration. I couldn't change anything though, not really. Dan was still in England and I was still in America and he was both still extremely pissed off at me. Nothing could change that, at least not for a while.
