Wretched Roses √

Chapter 26-loss

Freya
I cried into his shoulders, clutching onto the fabric of his t-shirt.

"It's gonna be okay, Freya," Rowan reassured me softly.

"What did I do wrong?" I cried, drenching his shirt in tears.

"You did nothing wrong," he said sternly.

"I feel like I've failed as a mom, I couldn't even keep them safe before they entered the world," I confessed my sorrows.

"It wasn't your fault, sometimes stuff like this happens," he explained. It didn't do much to help the overbearing sadness but I nodded regardless.

"I want to be alone," I whispered to him.

"Okay, if you need me I'll be in the living room."

He closed the door and I lied down on the bed, staring at the ceiling above me. I counted the objects in the room as a form of distraction and entertainment. After a while it got boring so I retorted to scrolling through Instagram instead

I scrolled for a while until I came across a picture of baby and fast as lightning closed my phone and buried my head in my pillow which quickly turned wet from my tears. Shit.

I couldn't do this, it was too much. This isn't right, none of this is right. What did I do to deserve this? Maybe I'd been selfish. The world was punishing me, maybe for cheating on Rowan. I was a shitty person because deep inside I knew I wasn't in love with him. I never would be. But now we were married.

The tears continued falling. For the baby. For Rowan. For Leona. How could I mess up this badly? Instinctively, I searched for Leona's contact and pressed call. Ring. Ring. Ring. You've reached Leona, please call-

Ending the call, I pushed the comforter over me and eventually found myself drifting off to sleep. Sleep was good, sleep meant escape. And I wasn't ready to deal with all these feelings yet. Nothing was right and sleep helped me deal with it.

Rowan was sitting next to me, caressing my cheek when I woke up. Groggily, I pecked him on the cheek and noticed the glass of water he was holding. Murmuring a thank you, I sipped up a bit of water before placing it by the nightstand and pulling Rowan into a hug.

"Are you okay?" I asked him, my voice muffled by his shoulder.

"It'll be alright," he assured but I could hear the pain in his voice.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled incoherently. "I'm so sorry."

"Don't apologize, it wasn't your fault and I'll keep telling you this until you believe me," Rowan firmly told me, kissing me gently.

"That wasn't what I was apologizing for," I whispered quietly enough for him to not hear me.

I peeked over his shoulder and widened my eyes at the realization that it was the middle of the night, meaning I must have slept for hours since it was only 9 pm when I fell asleep. Yet, I was still just as tired as before. The internal battle affecting my physical state as well.

"Why are you awake, it's 3 am?"

"Couldn't sleep," Rowan explained and I sympathized with him.

"If you want me to stay awake with you I will," I offered.

"It's okay, you need your sleep. Besides, I think it's good if I try to get some as well."

"Okay," I sleepily mumbled with a smile before my head hit the pillow again and I fell asleep quickly.

***

A couple of days passed by with the same routine of staying in bed for most of the day. Leona hadn't picked up the phone and I was getting extremely worried thinking of what she last told me and hoping her sister was hanging on. It was rare that students were allowed to stay on campus during the winter break so I quickly shoved down that option. Stopping by her house didn't seem right either, she'd told me where she lived but it would be inconsiderate of me. That meant I was left with hoping Leona would respond to my calls.

I wanted to comfort her and hold her close, selfishly I also wanted her comfort. Of course, I couldn't blame her for not picking up her calls, I didn't expect her to but I still missed her. It was strange not to share a dorm anymore, honestly, I missed it. I missed her presence and everything about her. How I hoped she was okay.

One last attempt wouldn't hurt. I dialed her and waited for a couple of moments. Almost giving up as I heard her voice. It was fragile and weak but she was there and I couldn't be more relieved.

"Hey, Freya." The sound of my name coming from her brought butterflies to my stomach.

"Hey, Leona," I mumbled, my voice coming out equally as meek. "Are you alright?"

She sighed heavily, I heard shuffling on the other end and a voice that sounded like, Zarah? I'd spoken to Zarah once, Leona and her had become friends but she didn't think they were that close. Albeit, they did go to the same high school so Zarah might live close to her house. Still, it didn't stop the knot from forming in her stomach.

"Is that Zarah?" I asked but it came out harsher than I intended and immediately I felt guilty, this wasn't the time.

I heard the door shut."Yeah. Zarah lives close and stopped by. She was worried because I wasn't responding to her calls but she's leaving now. Layla isn't too fond of her and I can't blame her, she was a bitch. I also want to spend all my time with Layla."

I lightly chuckled at that, Leona had told me the story about her. It certainly didn't make me like her but she seemed okay from the short moment I've spent with her.

"Do you want me to hang up? I'm sorry if I'm taking your attention away from her."

"No, really. It's okay. She's with her boyfriend now anyway, I don't wanna disturb her," Leona informed.

"If you're sure. Are you alright?" I repeated my question from earlier.

She was silent for a while and for a moment I wondered if she'd hung up. "How could I be?"

"Wanna talk about it?" I pressed the phone between the pillow and myself, lying on the side.

"Not really. How are you? Enjoying the honeymoon?" The last part sounded strained, like she didn't wanna know.

The question brought me back from the momentary bubble I was in when I spoke to her. I didn't wanna cry, not again. "I'm not at the honeymoon." She sounded shocked when she asked me why.

"I lost the baby," I confessed, shutting my eyes to stop the tears from falling.

"God, Freya. I'm so sorry if I would have to know what you're going through I would have picked up the calls, I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me."

Guilt appeared to cloud her mind, I didn't want her to feel guilty. She was going through a lot, if anything, I should be the one feeling guilty for burdening her with my problems with what she was going through, and I did feel guilty, I mean. I told her this.

"Just because I'm going through something doesn't mean I can't be there for you. We're friends, your problems will never burden me." That eased my guilt a little. She always knew exactly what to say.

"Thank you, Leona."

"Do you want me to come over? It's a bit of a drive but if you need me I'll be there."

No matter how much I wanted to, I could be that selfish. I could offer to visit her instead but leaving Rowan didn't sit right with me. Both options would be selfish. Maybe I needed to be selfish right now. No. I couldn't.

"Layla needs you," I stated.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Okay, do you want to talk about it, then?" Leona offered.

I thought about it for a second, perhaps talking about it would be healthy. It might be good for me but I wasn't ready yet. All I wanted at this moment was a distraction from reality and Leona was providing just that by only being able to hear her voice.

"No. I just wanna pretend and maybe that isn't good but it's what I need right now."

"I understand. Let's facetime at least."

I smiled. "That sounds good."

Sorry for taking so long to update. I'd just like to note that this story contains time skip so certain events might not have been written about but happened. Like the Zarah situation.